Presents
Top 10 Worst Horror Movies...Ever! According To Me!
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Number 11 - House Of 1000 Corpses An homage to Chainsaw from Rob Zombie...what could go wrong? Plenty! This story of a group of kids who have car trouble and then run across a demented family in the rural south starts off strong and then sort of flounders to a bad ending. It's Zombie's first movies, so there's a learning curve that I think we all have to forgive, but this movie promised something that it just couldn't deliver!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 10 - Cabin Fever Kids in the woods never went so wrong! This time, they're not stalked by a person, but they've caught a virus that causes your flesh to rot off! The issue here is that the characters are so unsympathetic that when they start to suffer, you're actually glad, a sure sign of a bad horror movie! Again, a first effort from Eli Roth, so he gets some leeway, but Cabin Fever is just not scary...gorey, yes, scary, no!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 9 - The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2006) After the pretty good initial remake, I had high hopes for this sequel...I should have known better. The premise of a military unit versus the mutant miners had all the makings of a great movie, but this just fell flat, then stick on an ending that felt like the filmmakers were running out of film and had to come up with an ending on the spot and you've got yourself a real stinker!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 8 - Zombie Strippers You take Zombies, you add strippers and you think you'd get something cool! You'd be wrong! This is one of the worst things ever filmed, naked chicks who can't act, a story that's a retread of Night Of The Living Dead and a sorely wasted Robert Englund! The bottom line appears to be that you can have zombies or you can have strippers, but you can't have both!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 7 - Wolf Creek Finally, I thought, an Australian Chainsaw! The minute that the credits rolled, and I saw that this was a made for TV movie, I knew I was in trouble! Wolf Creek has all the bark and none of the bite of a great horror movie! Four kids in the Australian outback run afoul of a wanderer who meets people, kills them and then wanders further into the outback. The problem is that, since it was a TV movie, there's none of the horror that you'd expect, every shock just falls flat! If you see this on the shelf, just say G'Day Mate!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 6 - The Fog (2005) The original The Fog was creepy, claustrophobic and amazing. This remake is none of those things. A small town over run by fog and something that's inside it killing people falls totally flat, more Dawson's Creek than horror! Even Superboy, Tom Welling, can't use his super powers to make this movie anything other than an emo-flop!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 5 - Prom Night (2008) Another pile of remake junk! The story of a girl, who was once stalked by a demented teacher, heading to her prom...oh yeah, and guess who's just escaped from the asylum!?!? Add to that and ending that, again, feels like it was made up on the spot and you got yourself...well, nothing! No scares and characters that you can't care about add up to one ho-hum type of horror!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 4 - House Of Wax (2005)
When the only high point of a
movie is when Paris Hilton gets killed, you should know you're in
trouble. This remake-in-name-only, is the story of a group of kids
who find themselves in an abandoned town, only to be stalked and killed
one by one! The fact that it's all a wax works doesn't change the
fact that I wanted to melt this thing after about ten minutes!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 3 - Cloverfield This was the movie that was supposed to bring back the giant monster movie...a current day Godzilla! Instead, we got to watch the boots of the military as they fought off some kind of monster...and I say 'some kind' because we never get a good look at the monster at all! Even the amazing talent of JJ Abrams couldn't keep this movie from turning into a giant sized stinker!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 2 - The Blair Witch Project
The movie that
started it all. The original 'shaky
cam' movie. The story of a group of filmmakers who wander into the
woods to find the legendary Blair Witch takes us on a documentary ride
to nowhere. When cool things happen, the film is dark and, in the
end...just when it's getting good...the movie is over! I have to
quote my wife on this one "what a piece of shit"!
Half A Cigar!
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Number 1 - Session 9 Billed as a scary, haunted hospital type movie, Session 9 is the story of a cleaning crew assigned to clean up an abandoned hospital...a scary place! And, when one of the crews finds a set of tapes and begins listening, they seem to possess him! This is a horror movie that just sort of plods along, never really giving us any scares and never really telling us much about what's going on. Adding the overacting of David Caruso is just the icing on a crap cake!
Half A Cigar!
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