Presents

I Know Who Killed Me

Alright, you can all just admit it, Lindsey Lohan is just plain hot!  Yes, I know she's young enough to be my daughter, but I can still appreciate that she's a very attractive young lady, can't I?  Or does that just make me your run of the mill old pervert?  Well, I'm a lot of things, but I'm certainly not run of the mill.  Well, I just finished checking out Lindsey's first 'grown up' movie, I Know Who Killed Me, and I'm going to avoid making the obvious I Know Who Bored Me joke!

  The story here is torn nearly straight out of any soap opera you've ever heard of, Lindsey plays Aubrey, a young sort of innocent teenager in a small town.  It just so happens that this small town has a missing girl who's just turned up with part of her body cut off and the police and towns people are in a frenzy to figure out who might have done this horrific thing, just in case he might strike again.  Well, as luck might have it, he does in fact strike again, and he grabs young Aubrey.  Then, days later, she turns up on the side of the road, minus an arm and a leg, and she suddenly thinks she's a rough and tumble stripper named Dakota.  And the delusion is so strong that psychiatrists can't find any holes in her story.  As Dakota starts her recovery, and returns to Aubrey's home, she begins to believe that everyone else is delusional and that she's Aubrey's lost twin!!!  Yes, I hate to give away this terribly obvious plot twist, but Lindsey Lohan plays twins!!  It's like a nightmare version of The Parent Trap going on!

Here's the real issue with I Know Who Killed Me, Lindsey plays a rough and tumble stripper, WHO NEVER GETS NAKED!!!!  Now, it's been over twenty years since I darkened the doorway of such places, but back in the old days when I did, the strippers were often topless and sometimes even bottomless, I guess now in these modern times, nudity is frowned upon even in strip clubs...DAMN YOU POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!!!!!  I Know Who Killed Me feels like an attempt to make Ms. Lohan a 'grown up' on film, the problem is that it feels like the film makers wanted to get her in a grown up setting, but Lindsey was a bit nervous about completely shedding that Disney image by flinging out her twin Lohans, and the result is no less than three prolonged strip club scenes in which Lindsey writhes around on the floor, rubs against a pole and generally looks slutty, all while remaining completely clothed, it sort of ruins the rough and tumble stripper character that she's so desperately trying to get us to sympathize with.  Oh, there's plenty of trashy talk, Dakota even has a torrid sexual encounter with Aubrey's boyfriend (again completely clothed) and afterward tries to save the tawdriness of the encounter by talking dirty ("Did Aubrey ever fuck you like that?"), it all feels very forced and you feel a bit embarrassed for poor Lindsey through it all.  I'm giving I Know Who Killed Me one out of four cigars, while it's not the worst thing I've ever seen, I think the whole movie might have worked much better if the film makers had dropped Lohan and found an innocent looking new comer to take the duel role.  Not that nudity would make the movie any better, but at least, if the main character bothered to take her clothes off, I might have believed that she was really a stripper!  So, until next time, when I'll be sitting here trying not to feel creepy after seeing I Know Who Killed Me, remember that the best movies are bad movies.