A Word Of Wisdom About The Jena 6 Situation

Are you as sick of all this racial crap as I am? I don't know about you, but I've never seen anyone wearing a nazi symbol or a kkk hood, and I personally don't care what color your skin is, as long as you're not an asshole!

With all this junk going on in Jena, LA, I thought I would take a second to explain how this should have gone down. Here it is:

Some kids have a problem, the dumb ass white kids decide to hang some nooses from the tree in question. When they get to school the next day, the black kids beat their asses. Now, if I'm the parent of any of the white kids involved who got their asses kicked, I sit by their bedside and offer this advice. "Son, you did a really dumb-ass thing. You had your head up your own ass and someone didn't like it. Let's take this beating as a lesson to not be a redneck, racist idiot and we'll move on. Oh, and if this happens again, the ass beating the black kids give you will pale in comparison to what you'll get when you get home."

It's just that simple, no need to involve the police or lawyers, you take the kid by the ear and make him apologize to the other kids parents, explain that if you don't like someone, just leave them the hell alone...it's just that simple.

You see, if you just apply a little logic and parent your kids, instead of calling the cops, none of this would be in the news. Who was wrong in all this? Both sets of kids, the white kids for doing something that retarded and the black kids for reacting violently. Who's to blame? The parents for not nipping this in the bud very early. I understand that you'll get upset when your kid is injured, but when he's asking for it and then he gets it...as long as he's still alive and relatively intact...then you explain the lesson and move on!

Here endeth the lesson!

Brian The Bad Movie Guy

A Piece Of Advice To Protestors

Okay, I've obviously let the world down by not sharing my knowledge. I thought that I wasn't all that bright, and that anything that I knew was probably already common knowledge, but I guess I was wrong.

Lately, I've been seeing more reports in the media of protesters being 'manhandled' by police. Just today, there's a report of a man who was tazered at a John Kerry speech and, as usual, the media is blaming police for the problem. Well, here's the truth of the matter, it's not the police's fault, it's the fault of the ignorant protesters who don't listen!

Yes, I know we all have the right to protest and we all have the right to our opinion, but that right has limitations, and if I'm trying to listen to John Kerry say something, don't I also have the right to not have your dumb ass standing behind me either heckling or yelling questions? So, here's the advice...no, the gift...I'm giving to your protesters.

When the police tell you to do something...DO IT!!

It's just that simple, having been raising in a 'cop family', here's the rule, the police are in charge, you're not, and it doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with what they're saying or doing, you can't do anything about it. Oh, you can, but then you can also spend a little time in jail! Okay, now, go on and yell and carry on about civil liberties and constitutional rights and all that stuff, but the fact of the matter is, you can't win and you're only going to look like an idiot on TV.

Oh, you can waddle out in your cast because Capital Police have 'roughed you up', but, trust me, most people out here in the real world aren't looking at you and thinking "Oh what a poor, poor soul. Those evil police!", what we're actually thinking is, "Why didn't you listen to them in the first place, asshole!".

My father only taught me a couple of things that I've found worthy of remembering and one of them was this. When the police pull you over or stop you, they own you. It's just that simple, you can't beat them, you can't outrun them, you're ass is theirs if they want it. And, just a little word of personal advice, if you give the cops trouble or want to mouth off to them, you'll probably find that you suddenly 'fit the description' of someone that they're looking for. That's right friends, most police departments can hold you for up to 24 hours without charging you. And, you might start screaming that that's unfair, and it probably is, but being 'in the right' isn't going to be much comfort when you're sitting in a cell with people who are actual criminals...trust me on that!

So, go ahead, yell and scream, and when the cops tell you to stop or to be quiet, just keep it up. You may have the moral high ground (sometimes) but trust me when I tell you that, when you're handcuffed between two guys who are still arguing over who killed their girlfriend, and sitting across from someone who shot his buddy in the face, that moral high ground isn't going to be much comfort. So, express yourself, and protest (if you don't have something better to do...like have a job), but, when you're asked to knock if off, or keep it down, just do it...otherwise, you're life will be made a bit uncomfortable, and those of us out here who do have jobs and lives, we're not really feeling any pity for you...we're usually laughing at your dumb ass!

The Last Bastion Of Manhood

I was watching the news yesterday and they were doing a story on a 'new man', a man they call a mega metro-sexual. Now, as opposed to a real metro-sexual, a mega metro-sexual is apparently one step closer to achieving any metro-sexual's true desire...womanhood!

Now, I hate to complain about society today, but where the hell did all the men go?!?! Everywhere I look there are guys with 'product' in their hair, or going to the 'salon', for Christ's sake, what ever happened to a barbershop? Now, suddenly, with the appearance of these mega metro-sexuals, manhood is under siege! Now, I understand that times change and that we should all change with them, but, it seems that the world is in desperate need of a few good men...no, not Marines (even though I'm a fan of Marines), what I mean is men who aren't afraid to get dirty, men who aren't afraid to get a little messed up or a bit sweaty, men who are...well...men!

Here's a few tips for those of you out there who would like to join me in the ranks of the last few living real men:

1 - Stop putting crap in your hair! As a real man, here's what we do in the morning, the 3 S's, dump, shower and shave. After that, it's all just wasted time. Comb your hair, slap on some old spice (or whatever aftershave your wife bought for you, after all, real men don't care how they smell) and we're good to go! There's no need to exfoliate or moisturize, a real man doesn't even know what exfoliate means...in fact, I had to look it up just to know how to spell it!

2 - Stop getting crap pierced! You'll never see a 'real man' with some stupid metal stud in his nose or eyebrow or God knows where! All that stuff is, is one more thing that someone can grab hold of in a fight!

3 - Tattoos are alright....just be careful. I recently saw a guy with a tattoo of a flower on his forearm...a flower! Now, it probably had some meaning to him, but to the rest of the world it announced him as some sort of weird art freak or worse...a florist! If you have to have a tattoo, get something manly, like a boat anchor or something with an arrow through it.

4 - Don't worry so much about your clothes. As a real man, all you should be worrying about it that your 'junk' isn't hanging out. Other than that, there's nothing to worry about. If and when you get a wife, all those clothes issues will resolve themselves. Matching and style is something that real men don't need to worry about!

5 - Last, but not least, quit your whining! You never heard John Wayne complaining about little stuff. If you're faced with some minor adversity (or a large one for that matter), just deal with it. No one cares if your personal life is going to shit or if you're in pain because you have some kind of foot problem, just suck up the pain and move on. We have a saying at the 'real man' meetings: Bitching Is For Bitches. That's some of those words to live by!

So, there you have it, start living by those rules and you, too, will find yourself becoming a real man. And, if you're reading this while sitting in a 'coffee house' or in some kind of 'salon', then you may want to rethink the whole thing. If you bring your frapachino to the local 'man' union meeting, you're just going to be pantsed and thrown out on the street!

Yes, It's Halloween Already!!

I went yesterday morning to the first showing of Rob Zombie's Halloween. Now, I have to admit that I was looking forward to it, but I was a bit skeptical, after all, John Carpenter's Halloween may be the best horror movie ever made. But, after seeing and loving The Devil's Rejects, I was willing to give this remake a chance.

The real beauty of this is that Zombie doesn't just remake the original movie, it's more of a revamping of the entire mythos. First, we get to see Michael Myers as a young boy for more than just a minute or two. Yes, I heard a couple of people complaining that, in the original, the parents didn't appear to be the white trash that they are in the remake, but give Rob a little artistic license! The entire first two thirds of the movie are original material, giving Michael Myers a more realistic, if disturbing, back story. There's nothing here that was left to chance, case in point, in the original, Mike grabs the mask at random from a hardware store, in this version, we see that there's a reason for that mask!

Now, I hate to give away anything that will ruin it for you, but let me just say that, it's already been reported that Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane and Scout Taylor-Compton have already signed to do a sequel...although Rob Zombie says that this is it, he won't be participating in any more Halloween movies. I'd be hard pressed to know where they go from here, the ending is quite different from the original and very good...I'll say no more!

Let's just say, if you love horror movies, or just Halloween, your box office money will be well spent on this remake/re-imagining!