Shooter

I'm not sure what it is about Mark Wahlberg, but I'm beginning to like him! At first, after that whole Marky Mark thing, I wasn't interested in anything he did, then he did Planet Of The Apes and I actively hated him. But, after seeing Four Brothers, Mark's been growing on me. He was the best part of The Departed and so I decided to give Shooter a try.



Shooter is your standard action movie, Mark is a military sniper who's been framed for the murder of a Haitian official visiting the U.S. Now, he's on the run from the government and the evil cabal that's insinuated itself into the government! In the end, you know that Mark will win and the bad guys will all get theirs, so there's really no tension to speak of, but it's still a pretty good movie.

I say pretty good, because at the two hour mark, it's a little long! We probably could have cut about 45 minutes out of this movie and had a great action movie, but, I'm a reviewer, not a film-maker, damn it!

I'm giving Shooter three out of four cigars,

because it's a bit long, but it's still a good movie and it's exactly what it said it was, there wasn't a ton of plot to get in the way of the story...and sometimes that's nice. So, until next time, when I'll defend my man-crush on Mark Walhberg, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Ghost Rider

Sometimes I just sit back and wonder about Hollywood. You know, if they're going to take comic books and turn them into movies, I have not problem with that, in fact, most of the current crop of comic movies are really great, but, just because it's a popular comic doesn't mean that it'll be a great movie. There are lots of factors that need to be taken into account, most successful comic movies are directed by someone who truly loves the genre, they take the time and effort to make a movie that lives up to what they, and the fans, think the story should be. But, once in a while, one of these great properties is grabbed up by someone who just wants to make an ego piece. A movie that's not about the character or the story, but about making the actor look cool, that's the huge problem with Ghost Rider!



Now, I'll be honest with you, Ghost Rider was never one of my favorite comics. I wasn't a motor head, so the motorcycle aspect of it didn't grab me, as a kid, I wasn't a big horror fan, so the whole avenging demon thing didn't grab me right off, but, even I had to admit that a guy with a flaming skull fighting bad guys had potential and was pretty cool! The issue with the movie is that there's way too much of Nicholas Cage doing a bad Elvis impersonation and not nearly enough of the avenging demon story!

The story here is the origin of the Ghost Rider, it explains that some form of the Rider has been around for centuries, the Rider is basically a 'bounty hunter for the devil', finding people who have tainted souls and sending them to hell, and collecting any souls that are owed. Well, when young Johnny Blaze discovers that his father is dying, suddenly ol' Lucifer appears to offer a deal, his soul for his father's health. When Johnny takes the deal the inevitable swindle takes place, leaving Johnny with nothing for his deal except being in service to Satan. Well, flash forward to years later and Johnny is the current version of Evel Knievel, and, when a long lost love turns up, so does Satan calling in his marker and making the current Ghost Rider chase down his son. Yes, I know it's confusing...watching the movie doesn't really help either!

Ghost Rider is long on cgi and short on story and plot, the whole movie seems to revolve around Nick Cage doing his Elvis impression and not on the Ghost Rider avenging anything. Now, the argument can be made that any first movie in these kinds of franchise is the weakest in the story, but still it needs to be told, so maybe I'm being too hard on the movie. Still, the scenes with the Rider are pretty cool, the cgi is great and when it's the super heroes on screen it's a great movie, the problem is that it takes so long to get there and they're not on screen that long, that it gets tiresome. This reminded me a whole lot of the Hulk movie, way too much of the human characters and not nearly enough of what I paid for...super heroes!!

I'm giving Ghost Rider one and a half out of four cigars,

because I'm getting really sick and tired of these movies selling me on the cool hero and the great effects, only to have me sitting there through some moron emoting and making this comic book character more 3 dimensional....give it up and get to more of the heroes!!!! So, until next time, when we'll debate which is the worst movie ever, Daredevil or Battlefield Earth, until then remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Mystery Men

Some movies just get a bad rap. They get the reputation of sucking, even though most people haven't seen them! That seems to be the case with the movie, Mystery Men.



If you look at this as a super-hero movie, you're going to be very disappointed, but, if you look at it as a comedy it's a great movie. The story here is pretty simple: When the Champion city's local hero, Captain Amazing, is held hostage by his arch-enemy, Casanova Frankenstein, it's up to a group of lower level heroes to save him. The group is made up of Ben Stiller as Mr. Furious, William H. Macy as The Shoveller and Hank Azaria as the Blue Raja. This trio is the anchor of the movie, but there's also Paul Reubens as The Spleen, Jeanane Garofalo as The Bowler and Kel Mitchell as The Invisible Boy. The team isn't really heroes, although they want to be, mistakes are made and they even inadvertently kill Capt. Amazing!

The movie is really a spoof of the super hero genre, and, if it had actually been seen that way when it was released in 1999, it probably would have been a bigger success. Mystery Men may be one of the most underrated movies out there (in my humble opinion). If you're a fan of the super hero genre, then you'll probably love Mystery Men, just don't go into it expecting the next Batman or Superman, think of it as a send up of the genre and you'll enjoy it thoroughly! I'm giving Mystery Men four out of four cigars,

because it's just a good movie. Most people will tell you that it sucks, but then ask them if they've actually seen it, most of them haven't! So, until next time, when I'll explain to you why other movies don't suck, remember that the best movies are bad movie.

Bloody Birthday

Sometimes it's not smart to judge a book (or a DVD) by it's cover! I just finished a movie that I assumed was a slasher flick, judging from the DVD cover, and found out that sometimes you can't do that! The movie is Bloody Birthday and, while it's not a slasher movie, it's not too bad.



The story here is pretty strange. On the night of a full eclipse three babies are born at around the same time. Years later, when they're all 10 years old, it appears that they're not normal...and they're not. You see, because of some strange astrological thing where the moon blocked Saturn during their births, the trio was born without feelings, so they can do whatever they want without feeling bad about it. And, what do they want to do? That's right, kill anyone who gets between them and what they want! And then it becomes just killing for fun. This movie, while not a slasher movie, isn't too bad. Anytime you have weird little kids doing evil things, it's a bit creepy to start with, but then the child actors are this good, it makes it just that much better!

I'm giving Bloody Birthday three out of four cigars,

and it only lost the extra cigar because I had my feeling hurt by the misleading cover! So, until next time, when I'll talk more about my feelings and my hopes and my dreams...you know, generally become a woman...until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Summer Camp Double Feature

So, it's summer time and the living is easy...or so they say. Well, I thought that since it was summer, that time of year when some people send their kids to camp, it was a great time for a summer camp double feature, so I grabbed a large drink, some snacks and sat down to two great summer camp movies, Friday The 13th and Sleepaway Camp. Both are really great summer camp movies and both, although made in the 70s and 80s, hold up rather well. First up, the original Friday The 13th!



The story (in case you've never seen it) is simple. A group of counselors are cleaning up a summer camp, a camp that the locals believe to be cursed. When they begin dying off one at a time in horrible ways, we're sure that the curse is here and someone is killing them off. The best death of the group may be a young Kevin Bacon taking an arrow through the throat! Now, in case you haven't seen this classic movie you may want to skip the rest of the paragraph. The final reveal is so great, when we find out that this kindly looking older lady is behind all the heinous killings and the last battle between the final girl and the killer set the standard for all movies that followed it. Friday the 13th is the first and probably the best of the series...and there's no sign of Jason, or at least there's no sign of the giant guy in the hockey mask! I'm giving Friday The 13th three out of four cigars,

because it's still a pretty good horror film although it felt like it took quite a while to get to the horror, probably that 70s setup time...DAMN YOU PLOTLINES!!!

The second in our double feature is the classic Sleepaway Camp.



I was surprised to find out that a lot of people haven't seen this movie, it's a great one! Here's the story: Two kids are sent to summer camp by their very strange mother, one is a pretty normal boy (Ricky) and his female cousin (Angela), who was traumatized as a kid when her brother and father were killed in a boating accident, so she's a little strange. Well, we all know what happens at summer camp, cliques are formed and the weird kids get picked on, so poor little Angela is the subject of ridicule and disdain. When she finally comes out of her shell a little, it's because one of her brother's friends likes her...ah, puppy love. Well, when people begin to die around the camp in strange ways, the owner of the camp begins to suspect Ricky of the killings. As the audience begins to suspect that something might be seriously wrong with Angela, the movie ends with one of the best reveals in film history! If you've never seen Sleepaway Camp, I won't ruin it for you, let's just say, it's one of the best movie endings of all time...bar none!! I'm giving Sleepaway Camp four out of four cigars,

because it never felt like it was stretching or filling to the end, the plot still holds up and it's still a movie that you can sit down and watch without it feeling too dated. It's an overall great slasher movie. So, until next time, when I'll tell you about my one adventure in camp and how it smelled so bad that I went five days without going to the bathroom (true story!), remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Deathdream

If you're a fan of Bob Clark, then you were probably as stunned and angered as I was earlier this year when he was killed in a car accident with his son. A tragic loss in general, but particularly to us fans. And, if you're not a fan of Bob Clark, then you don't know Bob Clark...and you probably are, but don't know it yet! Bob was responsible for the perennial Christmas movie, A Christmas Story...Now, you're a fan! Bob was also responsible for starting the slasher genre with a little movie called Black Christmas...not the remake, the original 1974 version, which is a far superior movie! But, Bob started his career with a movie called Deathdream, which most people haven't seen...but they should!



Deathdream is the story of a soldier who was killed in Vietnam (so it's partially a comment on the war), when he's killed his mother is praying for him to come home, constantly repeating, 'you promised to come back, you promised to come back'. Well, Andy does come back, but he's not the same! You see, Andy isn't quite alive, he's not exactly a zombie, but he needs blood to keep himself from decomposing. The difference in Deathdream is that Andy knows what he's doing and he only needs the blood, he extracts it with a syringe and injects it into his own veins (another commentary on the drug culture of the day).

When people start being killed, Andy's Dad begins to suspect his son, but Andy's Mom won't hear any of it, she's in complete denial! Deathdream is one of the best movies of the era that I've seen, and confirms what I already knew, that Bob Clark was one talented director. The saddest part of the tale is that Bob was about to re-enter the horror genre by remaking Deathdream and his other classic low budget genre movie, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, and he planned on directing one of the remakes...a loss to the entire genre! Fortunately, Deathdream is on DVD and it's just a great a movie as it was when it was first released! I'm giving Deathdream four out of four cigars,

because it's like a great Twilight Zone episode, with better special effects and an ending that's one of the most powerful that I've ever seen, this is really a horror movie that you need to see. So, until next time, when I'll be making a wish of my own...a wish that Twinkies were calorie free...remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Chopper Chicks In Zombietown

Sometimes you rent a movie just because of the title, and that's what I did with Chopper Chicks In Zombietown, after all, motorcycles, hot chicks, zombies, what's not to love about this title!?



The story here is pretty straight forward, a girl biker gang rolls into a small town with the intent of getting drunk and laid. Well, it just so happens that in this town there's an evil mortician who use to work for the government, who's raising the dead to make super soldiers. Well, when he spots the chicks he decides that they would make good subjects for his evil experiments. When the chicks don't like that idea and, when the zombies that have been created get to town, all hell breaks loose.

Now, this probably sounds like a silly B movie, and it really is, but it's a fun movie. The chicks are all hot 80s chicks, the zombies are goofy, and there's enough gore to keep horror fans interested. The only really notable thing about the movie is that it's Billy Bob Thornton's first movie appearance, other than that, it's just a fun movie.

I'm giving Chopper Chicks In Zombietown, three out of four cigars,

because while it's a fun movie with a great title, it's a little long and it's very obviously a low budget affair. But, the fun of it outweighs any issues I might have had with the movie. So, until next time, when I'll be looking for other movies with cool titles, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Beer Drinkers In Space

Everyone has said, at some time in their life, "Hey, we should make a movie!” but few people follow up after saying those words, and the people who do, often wind up with something that's very forgettable. But, Frank Delle, his brother and friends, said that in 1983, then got up and did something about it and came up with a movie that's still making the rounds today, and it's just as funny and fun as it was then!



The story here is pretty simple, a space barge, the Stro-Lite is transporting beer to the Nebulai 7-11, captained by Captain Slosh and crewed by Pilot Tipsy and Navigator Tank. When the ship comes under attack by the Prohbes, who don't want beer consumed in the galaxy, it's up to a lone star fighter, captained by Yates Rebose to save them. Beer Drinkers In Space is exactly what you'd think it is, just a lot of fun, but this isn't just a low budget movie, this is a little bit more than that.

Frank Delle, Beer Drinker In Space's writer/director, worked for Disney in the 80s and gathered friends from work to help him with his after-hours project, so the quality of the sets is quite amazing! The ship also comes under attack by a group of aliens called the Leshinboons, and the original puppets were also designed by a Disney employee, so the quality of the film is pretty high. That being said, you'll have to be patient with Beer Drinkers In Space, remember, this was 1983, VCRs weren't a household object yet, and Beer Drinkers is shot on consumer quality equipment, so you'll have to be patient with it, but it's worth your patience!

Just as fun, and on the same disc, is the documentary, Keep Drinking Men, which chronicles the movies making and offers interviews with both cast and crew today, more than twenty years after the fact. What you really get from both the movie and the doc, is that these people are really having fun together, it comes across in the movie and the doc as well. A group of friends, a camera, a script and some beer and Frank has an instant classic, after all, who doesn't like beer, and add to that a fun movie, and you've got yourself a pretty nice evening in my book!

I'm giving Beer Drinkers In Space four out of four cigars,

because what it might lack in technical prowess, it more than makes up for in heart. The movie is fun, the documentary is fun and it seems that Frank Delle has some pretty good, and talented friends. You can see it all for yourself by heading over to Tempe Entertainment and getting a copy for yourself, you won't be disappointed, and, if you have a few beers before the show, you'll find it even funnier and, you and your friends will find yourselves yelling, Condition Red, quite a bit! So, until next time, when we'll talk about other movies that go great with a cold beer...well, that pretty much all of them isn't it? Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Trailers From Hell

Ordinarily I tell you about a movie that you might not have heard of, or just ignored. But, what about the trailers? We all love them and often, they're the best part of the movie anyway. A new website, Trailers From Hell.com offers us some trailers in a unique way. You can either watch a trailer for a classic cult movie, or you can watch it with commentary from some of today's best directors! Here's just one example:

Great directors like, Edgar Wright, Mick Garris, Joe Dante, Mary Lambert and John Landis show and talk about their favorite trailers. It's a great idea and it's a great website! If you've never heard of it, you should drop by and check it out, it's well worth your time, and who knows, you might actually hear about a movie that you've never heard of before...and that can't be a bad thing!!!

So, until next time, when I'll be making pithy comments about trailers myself...although, I'll be sitting alone in my room, not being taped by anyone, until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

The Notorious Bettie Page

If you've ever seen a picture of Bettie Page, you know that there's something about her that attracts men like a picnic attracts ants. Whether it's her girl next door charm, that comes through in any picture of her or her stunning beauty, there's just something about Bettie that makes you want to look at her. But, her career seems to have ended quite abruptly, and, while her pictures live on, her life has been something of a mystery. Well, the movie, The Notorious Bettie Page, gives us a look at the life behind the photos, and it's quite interesting.



The story here is of Bettie going from a young girl in Nashville to a model in New York. It's a story of a strong independent woman in a time when that wasn't all that common. From being molested as a child (which is implied, not shown) to being an object of desire for men around her (which seems to force Bettie's move to New York in the first place), Bettie takes control of her own sexuality. The interesting part of the movie is that, Bettie isn't portrayed as a vixen who uses her sex appeal for financial gain, but rather as an innocent, who just see herself as posing for pictures, and whatever is done with them isn't really her concern.

The movie follows Bettie from her beginnings to her rise as a pin-up queen in the 50s to her eventual retirement and turn to religion, never being ashamed of what she did or what she had accomplished. Her later years have been something of a mystery, I've heard that she attends conventions occasionally, but not often, but the movie ends with Bettie's turn to God, which seems to be an appropriate way to end the story.

If you're a fan of Bettie Page, then you'll want to see The Notorious Bettie Page, and if you've never heard of her, this will make you want to find out more! I'm giving The Notorious Bettie Page four out of four cigars,

because it's a nice look at a different time, a time when 'nudie' pictures were seen a horrible pornography...if they could only see the future, eh?? So, until next time, when I'll be revealing my own sick perversions...I'm actually very in love with my wife, something that it seems gets more and more rare each day! Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

The Unholy Three

If you've never seen a silent movie, then you don't know what you're missing. I know, for some younger people it's hard to watch black and white movies, let alone one that doesn't have any sound, but if you just try it, you know what, you'll discover what movies were all about when they were first being made. I just had the chance to watch The Unholy Three starring Lon Chaney and directed by Todd Browning, who also directed the classics, Dracula and Freaks, and this movie is just as good as those!



The story here is fairly simple, Chaney plays Echo, a ventriloquist who's greed leads him to align himself with the carnival strongman and a little person, together they set up shop selling parrots to rich people, using the deliveries to case the houses for later robberies. Well, they're accompanies by young Rosie O'Grady, she's a pickpocket who works with Echo, who Echo has a soft spot for, but Rosie has fallen in love with Hector, an innocent local that they plan to use as a fall guy, if they ever need one. Well, when one robbery goes wrong and two of the three end up killing a man and his child, Hector gets the blame while the three go on the lam! But, Rosie has fallen in love with Hector and appeals to Echo to go back and free him, vowing that she'll stay with Echo if he only makes sure that Hector isn't given a death sentence for the murders.

The movie really spotlights Chaney's talent, at once rough and tender, his portrayal of Echo has him moving from tough thug to gentle old lady...literally. I've always been a fan of Lon Chaney, but the more I take the chances to see his movies, the more I realize why he was the biggest star in the movies in his time! I'm giving The Unholy Three four out of four cigars,

because, despite the silence, this movie speaks volumes and still holds up today, despite some language issues. Check it out if you ever get the chance, you won't be disappointed! So, until next time, when you'll be wishing that I was silent, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

True Grit

I just got the chance to visit my Grandfather, he's 95 now and not in great health, but just visiting him reminded me of something. Men. That's right, men, the rough and tumble men who built this country. Men, like both my grandfathers, who lived through the depression, helped build out highway systems, and traveled to wherever they could get a job to keep their family fed, clothed and housed! I'm afraid that we may have lost some of the manliness in today's America, today's men are getting pedicures, and wearing 'product' (whatever the hell that is!) and, generally, turning into the girls. I think it's time that we men too back out manliness, time to stand up and say, no one wants to do that, it's up to me, and I may get hurt doing it, I may even not come back, but someone's got to stand up and be a man! So, whenever I feel like I'm not living up to my potential, I need a movie to inspire me, and the movie that always makes me want to stand up and declare myself to be part of the male species is the John Wayne movie, True Grit.



If you've never seen True Grit, then you're in for a treat! John Wayne plays Rooster Cogburn, one of the last real law men of the old west. When a young girl hires him to find the men that killed her father, Rooster takes up the challenge, mostly for the money, but you can still see that glint in his aged eyes, this is a job for a man like Rooster. Joined by a dandy Texas Ranger, Rooster sets off into the badlands to find the men responsible, to bring them to justice as much as for the money.

True Grit is a look at American men the way some of us should be today, older, wiser but just as tough as we ever were. Yes, there's a softer side to Rooster, when the young girl wants to tag along, he refuses, but when she shows that she's got a little grit of her own, he begins to admire her and allows her to follow. A real man respects the talents and abilities of others! He also has a pet, the General, who isn't really a pet, as Rooster says, no one owns a cat, the General just bunks with me. But, once riled up, watch out, Rooster is still a formidable opponent, when one of the bad guys calls him a fat old man, Roosters response is film legend, 'Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!', which, in today's world, is totally unacceptable, you can't challenge someone who insults you, that wouldn't be proper!

What I'm trying to say is, being a man is getting lost in our society today. It may be time for one of us to stand up and lead the way for the rest of us. I don't know if that's me, there's a lot of real men out there who are looked down on by 'polite society', the fishermen, the roughnecks, the truckers, all the men who are out there doing manly things and, not because they have to, but because it needs to get done and I'm the one to do it! So, on this Fourth Of July, let's take a minute to think of the men who built this country, from the men who tamed the frontier, to the men who built the basic infrastructure, to the men just doing the jobs that no one wants to do...here's to you guys! And, for those who don't really get what I'm saying, put down the luffa, stop with the hair gel, and take a look at True Grit, consider it your entry into the world of mandom...it's just a starter lesson, but it's a good one. True Grit gets four robust, rather stinky, cigars out of four,

because it's just that damn good, and if you give John Wayne anything else, he'll probably punch you in the gut and call you a weasel! So, until next time, when I'll be ramping down my testosterone before I actually challenge someone to a show-down in the street, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Die Hard With A Vengeance

First he died, then he died harder, but in the second sequel in the Die Hard franchise, Bruce Willis managed to die the hardest ever! Yep, in honor of Live Free Or Die Hard, let's take a look back at the last time Bruce Willis died...with a vengeance!



The story here isn't too deep. McClane is called in when a madman bombs New York, he's called in because the maniac will only deal with him, it turns out that it's the brother of Gruber from the first movie looking for a little Die Hard payback! Well, the first thing he makes McClane do is wear a sandwich board with a racial slur on it and walk through Harlem...enter Sam Jackson as an electrician with a conscience. Sam keeps Bruce from having his ass beaten by anyone who sees him in Harlem, and so, they're a team!

The story is a bit of a mess, between Gruber's brother toying with McClane and the added 'value' of a crash-in (not a break-in) of the Federal Reserve, Die Hard With A Vengeance has a couple of interesting action sequences, but nothing like the first movie. This feels like a sequel that was planned because some money could be made...and little reason beyond that.

As an action movie, Die Hard With A Vengeance doesn't really offer anything we haven't seen before, bombs, car chases, there aren't really any big set pieces that set this apart from any other third rate action movie out there, and of course, we get the standard 'Yippy-Kay-Yeah Motherf*#ker' that, I believe is Federally mandated in any Die Hard sequel at this point.

I'm giving Die Hard With A Vengeance two out of four cigars,

because as a Die Hard Sequel it leave a lot to be desired and as an action movie it leaves a lot to be desired, but it's still a pretty good popcorn movie...if that's what you're looking for. So, until next time, when I'll find myself a cowboy related catch phrase, it's between "Hi Yo Silver Motherf*#ker" and "Howdy Pardner Motherf*#ker", until then remember that the best movies are bad movies.