The Sons Of Katie Elder

When spring starts becoming summer and we all begin to think about outdoor activities, it never fails but I need to watch a good western. Why? Well, it's my way of enjoying the great outdoors without giving up my indoor, sedentary lifestyle...it works for me! And, when you think about classic westerns, unless you're not from this country, you can't help but think of John Wayne. So, I dredged through my collection and came up with a John Wayne western that's a fun movie, but also a great adventure. It's John Wayne and Dean Martin in The Sons Of Katie Elder.



In this era of political correctness and when men are out getting pedicures and facials, it's nice to see a real man...even if it's just in a movie. Here's the story: John and his four brothers (one of them is Dean) have returned home because their mother (Katie Elder) has died. They've come to pay their respects and settle up any debts and take care of her estate before moving on. But, when it seems that their mother was swindled out of some land and then discovering that their father was shot in the back, the brothers begin digging into the details. Now, while this isn't really a mystery story, it's still a great movie. Lots of action, John Wayne not taking any crap from anyone, generally men being men...back when men were actually men (you'd never see John Wayne with any 'product' in his hair!).

This was remade recently as Four Brothers starring Mark Wahlberg, but this original version still holds up pretty well. If you're in the mood for a blast from the past that will make you feel like putting on your cowboy hat and starting a bar fight, then this movie is for you! I'm giving The Sons Of Katie Elder four out of four cigars,

because it's a John Wayne movie for God's sake!! If there's one person who personified what it meant to be an American male, it was John Wayne, and, sadly, there's no one today who matches what he stood for. Now, this may be waxing a bit nostalgic, but I, for one, will never be caught having my toe nails done or with anything other than shampoo in my hair! So, until next time, when I'll try again to make all the wussy-boys in the country feel bad about themselves, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Clerks 2

Being a fan of Clerks and Kevin Smith's, I was predisposed to enjoy the sequel, Clerks 2.



Now, before I get into the cons, let's look at the pros. The story here is really basic, we get to revisit the characters from the original Clerks some 12 years later, the lovable (and not so lovable) losers from the first movie are all back, and their lives haven't really changed all that much. When the convenience and video store where Dante and Randal worked has burned down and the boys have now taken jobs at a fast food joint, Mooby's. As the story unfolds, Dante is desperately trying to get his life together and Randal is trying to cling on to the past. Clerks 2 is really a story of maturity and growing up.

The problem with Clerks 2 is that what I really wanted (more of Jay and Silent Bob) isn't there. I know that it's the story of Dante and Randal, but I think most people wanted what I wanted. I wasn't totally disappointed in Clerks 2, after all, bad Kevin Smith is better than no Kevin Smith, and this isn't bad, it's just not as great as the original.

I'm giving Clerks 2, three out of four cigars,

because, while it's a fun movie and the characters and dialogue are still great, it's still not up to the fun of some other of Smith's movies, the original Clerks, Dogma or Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back, for example! So, until next time, when I'll reveal that I'm not really as funny as the original Bad Movie Guy, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Masters Of Horror: Family

You know, they say that family is the most important thing. Who says that? Well, it's usually those people for whom family isn't important at all, it's a sort of 'those who can't teach' kind of thing. Well, in horror movies, family is very important, it's often the cause of the horror and that's the case in the Masters Of Horror episode, Family.



Family is really John Landis' version of Psycho, here's the story: George Wendt plays a mild mannered guy who lives quietly in a very normal neighborhood. When some new neighbors move in across the street, he invites them to dinner and is quite hospitable. The only problem is that the neighbors don't meet George's wife, and the reason for that is that George's wife is dead. Oh, she's still in the house...or, at least her skeleton is there, but she hasn't been using it for a while now. It turns out that George is a mental patient who finds the perfect family members, stalks them, kills them and then strips all the skin off of their bones, wires them up and they become his family!

The issue is that the new neighbor lady strikes George's fancy, so he's got his eye on her! Well, not her, so much as her skeleton. As with all the Masters Of Horror series, Family is a great movie, George Wendt is perfectly cast as the weirdo next door, on the outside seemingly very normal and inside twisted and demented.

Family won't make you jump out of your seat, but the hour will pass by like minutes, John Landis has crafted a movie that's just that good, and there's a twist ending that you won't see coming, but caps the movie off perfectly! I'm giving Masters Of Horror: Family four out of four cigars,

because, like the entire series, Family is just one of the best movies from one of the best directors in the world...you can't say more than that! So, until next time, when I'll reveal that my entire family is skeletons too...they still have their skin on them and they're still alive, but they're skeletons under there nonetheless! Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

The Sadist

I've been on a kind of roll lately watching as many exploitation movies as I can get my hands on, I Drink Your Blood, Blacula, I Eat Your Skin, The Last House On The Left, Ilsa: She Wolf Of The SS, you name it and I've been hunting it down and watching it. And, one that that I saw years ago and actually liked, I finally found and rewatched. It's the Arch Hall Jr. vehicle, The Sadist.



The story here isn't anything special, a trio of people find themselves stranded on the backroads of (then) rural California. They get their car to what appears to be a junkyard in the hopes of getting it fixed, but no one is there. When they finally find someone, it's Arch Hall Jr. and his girlfriend, who are sadistic killers on the run from the law. The movie then becomes a cat and mouse game of Arch torturing and killing them slowly and them trying to get away from him.

The Sadist is a great example of B movies of the era, it's straight ahead and to the point and the acting is some of the most over the top acting ever put on celluloid! Arch Hall Jr. is really the star here, leering around at everyone and threatening them with is gun, and in the final scenes, when Arch finally gets his just desserts, the movie just ends, as if anything beyond this would be piling on!

I'm giving The Sadist three and a half out of four cigars,

because as low a budget as this movie is, it's still a fun little movie. It moves quickly, the scenery is chewed extensively and it's just a fun afternoon movie! So, until next time, when I'll reveal that the only person that I torture is my wife, but let's face it, she married me...she was asking for it! Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Masters Of Horror: The Screwfly Solution

I know that by now you're all thinking that I'm a huge mark for the Masters Of Horror series, and you know what? You're right! This is probably the best thing to hit TV, let alone horror, since the original Twilight Zone was on. So, I make no apologies for enjoying these great movies and I recommend them to anyone who asks me for a recommendation! This time, let's look at Season 2's Joe Dante entry, The Screwfly Solution.



After the great commentary on the Iraq war in Season One's Homecoming, you'd think that Mr. Dante might not have another great movie in him so soon, but he does and The Screwfly Solution comes right up to the mark he set in Season One, here's the story: Jason Priestly plays a scientist who has just solved an insect epidemic in a third world country by developing a spray that, once released, causes the male of the species to confuse it's sexual impulse with it's anger impulse, so, when it gets aroused by the female, instead of mating it turns violent, thus ending the species. A great idea to get rid of insects, but, when the same thing begins happening to humans, all hell breaks loose. Jason finds himself in a race to find a cure before his impulse to find his wife overcomes him and he hunts down the ones he loves!

This is an excellent commentary on sexual equality and the gender war, with Jason Priestly perfectly cast (yes, I can't believe it either!), but the real performances here are from Elliott Gould, as Jason's gay colleague, who finds himself immune to the plague overtaking humanity and Kerry Norton as Jason's wife, you'll be on the edge of your seat as she has to disguise herself as a man in order to get food for her child, surrounded by rednecks, it's almost impossible for her to hide her femininity!

I'm giving Masters Of Horror: The Screwfly Solution four out of four cigars,

because this is one of the best morality plays I've seen in recent years, it's preaches equality in a way I've never seen before and it's entertaining, which is my cardinal rule of movies, preach all you want, but don't bore me, and The Screwfly Solution won't bore you at all!! So, until next time, when the only urges I'll be confusing is the urge for a twinkee and the urge for a cupcake, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Blacula

If you're like me, when you hear the term 'blaxploitation movie' then you probably think of those really low budget 70s movies that were about the only movies at the time to feature heroic black characters. And, while not the best movies, they do actually provide a really cool time capsule of the fashions and trends of the time, they're generally not that great. But, there are always exceptions that prove the rule, and in blaxploitation, there are more than one, and one of those, that's really a cut above the rest is Blacula.



And, while the name might evoke giggles and the thought of a truly bad movie, you really have to see Blacula before you judge it. Here's the story: Manuwalde is an African prince, sent to Europe to negotiate an end to the slave trade. When he negotiates with Count Dracula in Transylvania, he finds himself and his wife captured and imprisoned themselves. Dracula curses Manuwalde with vampirism and calls him Blacula! Centuries later, when two antiques dealers buy the Castle Dracula and everything inside it, they ship Blacula's sealed coffin back to modern day (1972) Los Angeles, where they open the coffin and release Blacula on the city. Now, after stalking the city, he discovers Tina, a woman who's the spitting image of his long dead wife, Luva. Now, Manuwalde is determined to have Tina as his new bride no matter who stands in his way.

Featuring music from The Hues Corporation and a story that rivals any Hammer film, Blacula may be the best of the blaxploitation genre, because it's not played like most of the films in the genre. Most of the blaxploitation movies from the 70s feature a lot of what was called, jive talk, but, because Blacula star, William Marshall was a trained Shakespearean actor, he refused to talk in slang, and the other members of the cast follow suit, making Blacula less a blaxploitation movie and more of a horror movie...and yes, there is a difference. I'm giving Blacula four out of four cigars,

because of all the blaxploitation movies I've seen, this is probably the best of the bunch...although I haven't seen Blackenstein yet. So, until next time, when we'll ask ourselves why don't they make movies like this anymore, and then we'll come to our senses and realize why they don't, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Bio Zombie

I've said over and over again, that I'm really tired of U.S. remakes of J-Horror movies, but it never occurred to me that Asian cinema was also taking our ideas and adapting them to their culture and society. I don't know why that thought never came to me, I'm just a little bit thick, I suppose. But, it hit me hard and fast when I sat through the Chinese movie, Bio Zombie!



Bio Zombie is not really a rip-off, but more of a tribute to the grand-daddy of all the gross out zombie movies, Dawn Of The Dead, here's the story: Woody and Crazy Bee are just a couple of lovable loser who work in the mall selling bootleg VCDs (I guess it's not illegal in China!), they do the usual things, harass the annoying cell phone salesman, pick on the mall geek and hit on the hot chicks at the manicure salon. Everything seems to be normal, until, as they're picking up their bosses car, they hit a man with a briefcase on the road. And this isn't just any man, this is a man who's just left a secret military meeting with a biological weapon that turns people into raving zombie monsters. And, in a lucky twist, the bio-agent is being transported in what looks like a sports drink bottle. Well, since Woody and Bee don't want to get into trouble, they throw the guy into their trunk and head back to the mall, but not before giving him a refreshing drink of the sports drink...do you see what's coming?

Well, after the newly zombified man comes back from the dead and escapes the trunk of the car, he sets about roaming around creating new zombies until the mall is overrun, and so, it's up to Woody, Bee, the cell phone salesman and his wife and the girls at the manicure salon to escape and get the word to the public that zombies are attacking!

Veering wildly between horror and comedy, Bio Zombie is a pretty confusing, if charming, movie. The gore isn't really front and center as it might be in other horror movies, in fact, when an arm is ripped from it's socket it's barely shown on screen, it's just not the point of the movie. The center of the story is really Woody, who goes from loser and their to hero through the course of the movie. It's ends up being a love story between Woody and the manicure girl, Rolls and, in the end, when Rolls drinks the bio-agent and Woody, after thinking about it, drinks too, you're not sure if he's just given up totally or if he just doesn't want to live without Rolls.

I'm giving Bio Zombie three and a half out of four cigars,

because even as a zombie movie, Bio Zombie moves a little slowly, and, even after the zombies have 'taken over' the mall, there just doesn't seem to be that many of them and, because the gore is really played down, the zombie threat just isn't there. If you enjoy a good zombie movie, then this probably isn't for you, even though it's a fairly fun movie, it's not what most of us will be expecting from any movie with 'zombie' in the title. So, until next time, when I'll be looking at more movies that you've probably never heard of...let alone wanted to...remember that the best movies (even worldwide) are bad movies!

Masters Of Horror: Right To Die

What the horror genre does better than almost any other is provide a commentary for the issues of the day. Topics that ordinarily can't be touched by a drama, can be confronted through the veil of horror. It's one of the reasons that horror is one of the most misunderstood genres, most people dismiss any horror movie as 'just another horror flick' when many of these movies are actually a great commentary on today's life! One of the best of this type of horror movie is the current release from the 'Masters Of Horror', Right To Die.



The story here is terrific: Cliff and Abbey are a seemingly normal couple, with the exception that Cliff is cheating on Abbey. When she finds out, Abbey is understandably upset, and, since Cliff doesn't want to lose the money that comes with being married to a rich woman, he's determined to win her back. On a trip to reconcile, the two have a car accident, and Cliff is presented with a golden opportunity, as gas gushes from the car, Abbey is surrounded by flames, Cliff has to decide whether to call for help, or just wait a few minutes for Abbey to be dead and then call, when he can call as a rich widower! Being that this is a Masters Of Horror episode, you know that Cliff will wait that little bit of time, right??

Well, when help does arrive, Abbey isn't quite dead, only burned beyond recognition. She's rushed to the hospital, where it's determined that she's touch and go at best and may not survive, Cliff is elated, not only will his wife die and he'll inherit all her money, but she'll do it in a hospital where he won't be implicated at all! But, when Abbey does die, strange things start happening, Cliff sees her around the house and feels like she's there to hurt him, then she disappears. Is Cliff losing his mind with guilt? How could Abbey's spirit be haunting him when she's alive (barely) in the hospital?

Rob Schmidt and Joe Esposito have crafted a movie that not only addresses the 'right to die' issue, but they make it a great horror movie too! Part ghost story, part political commentary, Masters Of Horror: Right To Die is one of the best of Season Two. While the social commentary is barely concealed from viewers, it doesn't take away from the great story and, if you're not too narrow-minded, it may make you think a little bit. I'm giving Masters Of Horror: Right To Die four out of four cigars,

because it's just one of those movies that you'll want to watch more than once, and you'll see things on subsequent viewings that you didn't see the first time. And, the addition of Corbin Bernson as a greasy attorney is just brilliant! Any of the Masters Of Horror series are good, but some are a cut above the rest, and this is one of the tops. So, until next time, when I'll tell you about my death wish...not for myself, but for several other people...remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Hannibal Rising

In the hall of fame of movie monsters, there are the strange (Chucky), the frightening turned funny (Freddy) and then, there's the one movie monster that is, to me, the most frightening. He's the one movie monster that might actually exist, seeing him in that initial meeting, in Manhunter, was eerie and frightening, but not truly disturbing, that was reserved for the 1991 classic, The Silence Of The Lambs. In that movie, we met Hannibal Lector, a psychiatrist-turned-serial-killer, who was at once charming and scary. Hannibal was that evil monster who lured you in, even when all your instincts were screaming for you to run. Charming, intelligent and all of it was just the bait to get you close enough to hook you! Ever since that initial shock, the movie going public have been fascinated by Hannibal Lector, even remaking that first movie (Manhunter became Red Dragon) so that the evil Dr. Lector would be a bigger part of the movie lexicon. But, the question always remained, what tragedy could possibly happen to a person to make them into this kind of monster? Well, the new movie, Hannibal Rising, tells us the story behind the malevolent Dr. Lector and how he became the charming monster we movie lovers love to hate...or hate to love!



The story begins in 1945 Lithuania, young Hannibal and his parents are on the move between the Russians and Germans during the last days of World War II. In a small battle, Hannibal's parents are killed, leaving him alone in an isolated cabin to care for his young sister, Misha. When a group of looters happen upon the cabin, the immediately put the children in chains and begin searching for food. When they find themselves stranded in the cabin in the middle of a harsh winter, with no food, the prospect of starvation turn these already bad men, even worse! They drag Hannibal's sister outside and butcher her and eat her.

Now, flash forward eight years and an older Hannibal, who has been mute since the horror, escapes from behind Russian lines, travels to Paris where he finds the wife of his last living relative (an uncle who has died) and begins learning self-defense from her. The character who takes Hannibal in, the Lady Murasaki, feels contrived and seems to be there as a symbol of Hannibal's lost humanity, being that she's the one to teach him to use Asian arts for revenge and then advises against using these same talents to avenge the death of his beloved sister...which you know is coming from the very beginning of the movie!

The problem with Hannibal Rising is that Hannibal Lector, until now, has been the evil monster that we felt ourselves drawn to somehow. In this movie, Hannibal is the hero, while his actions might be morally ambiguous at best, they're still understandable and the people who he hunts and kills are far more frightening than young Hannibal. While explanations are given for Hannibals actions in previous (or chronologically later) movies, the story of the birth of a serial killer is not as strange and scary as you might expect, and turns the suave monster behind the clear plastic wall into a tragic figure who's really only avenging his family over and over.

I'm giving Hannibal Rising two out of four cigars,

because, while it's fun to have the original story teller (Thomas Harris) tell this tale of this most famous creation's origin, the movie itself is way too long and, what was sold as a horror movie, and, in all honesty, I expected far more sociopathic behavior than I got, it's still a good story, just not the one that I expected. And, the ending, which finds young Hannibal in Canada for one final kill, seems to be the beginning of the story that I really want to see, the tale of Hannibal Lector being an active serial killer in the U.S. and the story of his being pursued by law enforcement and his ultimate capture...the story that would seem to take place between this movie and Red Dragon...that's the story we're all waiting for!!! So, until next time, when I'll explain that liver and fava beans aren't a great meal no matter how classy, or insane, you are, remember that the best movies are bad movies

Just In Case You Didn't Know I Was Special!

And, yes, I mean, "short bus" special, not "better than you" special! But, the It Came From Lake Michigan Film Festival just posted me, your very own Bad Movie Guy, as a "special" guest! Here, take a look:

 

Brian Morton

Web Site:
http://www.badmovieguy.com

Myspace:
http://www.myspace.com/badmovieguy

IMDB Listing:
N/A

Personal Bio: Brian Morton has been watching B movies since he was old enough to sit up. He grew up watching the late Sir Graves Ghastly in the Midwest, something that he credits with instilling in him an abiding love of low budget cinema. A member of Joe Bob Briggs’ Board Of Drive In Experts, Brian watched many independent movies in the early 90s for the Movie Channel’s Drive In Theatre.

His love of B movies led him to begin writing articles for local fan-zines and that would eventually lead Brian to begin what would eventually become BadMovieGuy.com in the late 90s. Brian joined the Rogue Reviewers in August of 2004 and has been going strong ever since!

Between his day job as the director and engineer on The Paul W. Smith Show on WJR radio in Detroit, keeping up with his siteBadMovieGuy.com, doing articles, reviews and interviews for Rogue Cinema and doing reviews on the air for The C.A.R. Show, an auto expert radio show that airs on over 200 stations around the world (reviews that can be heard at The C.A.R. Show Movie.com, Brian relaxes by doing what??? That’s right, watching more movies!

I'm looking forward to being at the ICFLM in October, I was there last year for the first ever ICFLM and this year looks to be bigger and better, in any case, it was a ton of fun last year, and I'm hoping that this year will be even better!! Hope to see you there, I'll be the 'special' guest, probably drooling on myself...not because I'm special, but from sitting in that dark room for hours on end watching movies!!

Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse In Love

Combining genres is a risky venture at best, most of the time, you get none of the best of either genre and your movie just ends up being a huge mess. But, once in a while, someone decides to combine one or more genres and not only does it work, but it turns out amazingly! That's what happened here with the new movie, Graveyard Alive.



Here's the story: Nurse Patsy Powers is a sort of 'plain jane' nurse. She works hard and is up for the head nurse position in her hospital, but she has a problem. Nurse Patsy has a huge crush on Dr. Dox, but Dr. Dox is engaged to Nurse Goodie Tueschuze. Well, when a woodsman comes into the hospital...with an axe sticking out of his head...he and Nurse Patsy fall in love. When it turns out that her patient/boyfriend is a zombie, and that Nurse Patsy has been infected, things at the hospital are about to get interesting!

Now, don't go into Graveyard Alive looking for your standard gut-munching, limb-ripping, zombie affair. Graveyard Alive is a strange combo of zombie movie, romantic chick flick, Mexican tele-novela and comedy, I can't imagine how hard it was to put a story this complex together and still have it look this good. The movie is in black and white, which only adds to the story, if the blood was all vivid red and the hospital was all in color it would seem more modern, not the throwback to old-fashioned soap operas that this emulates. Oh, people are eaten, but these zombies are as interested in satisfying their labidos as their appetites! When Nurse Patsy is infected, she turns from frumpy nurse to hot seductress, the transformation is pretty amazing.

The hero of the piece is, oddly, Nurse Goodie, who is Nurse Patsy's main rival, since Nurse Patsy has her eye on Dr. Dox, who is Nurse Goodie's fiance...getting confused? Well, you won't be, you'll be entertained. This is a horror movie for the soap fans out there, with an ending that will make you wonder what the hell happens next! I'm giving Graveyard Alive, three out of four cigars,

because, as horror movies go, this one is less horror than I usually like. But, as a good movie, this one is all that and a bag of chips (forgive me, I just channeled 1992 there for a minute!) Graveyard Alive is a horror movie that you can watch with your girlfriend and both actually enjoy it! So, until next time, when I'll confess to actually watching the soap opera, Passions, for a long time...what was I supposed to do, the door to Hell opened up in someones bedroom closet...would you tune out??? Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Robocop

This year marks the 20th anniversary of one of my all time favorite movies, Robocop!



Why is Robocop on the top of my list? Well, there's a ton of reasons, let's go through them. First, it's just a great Sci-Fi story, Alex Murphy a good family man and cop is just trying to keep the streets of Detroit safe for his family. When he rushes into danger without waiting for backup a gang of psycho criminals shoot him to pieces. Now, ordinarily that would be the end, the good guy dies, but in this one the super corporation, Omni Consumer Products, has a plan to clean up Detroit without paying the real cops, so they rebuild Alex into a cyborg cop...a...Robocop! Now, besides just being a great action movie, Robocop also has some great subtext going on too. First, there's the commentary on 80s corporate greed, then there's the not so subtle take on government corruption, it's really quite a bit deeper than just a robot cop movie!

Then, there's the romance factor. Yes, Robocop is quite a romantic movie. You see, Alex Murphy has such strong love for his family that even after death and cybernetic rebirth, he's still in love with his wife and son, and the ultimate goal of Robocop becomes the same as that of Alex Murphy, to clean up the city for families!

There's also the fact that it's set in Detroit (even though it was filmed primarily in Houston), being a lifelong resident of Detroit, I keep hoping for Robocop to show up and clean up the town...Lord knows, it's gonna take a giant robot to clean Detroit up!

I'm giving Robocop 4 out of 4 cigars,

because it's one of those movies that I can watch and rewatch. It was one of the first DVDs in my collection and I'm probably have to pick up the new 20th anniversary edition. If you haven't seen it, then you need to rush out right now and get it....RIGHT NOW! GO!!!! So, until next time, when we'll ask ourselves if Robocop was just happy to see us, or if that was just a Auto-9 in his pocket, remember the best movies are bad movies!

Employee Of The Month

What can you say about a movie once you say that Andy Dick is the funniest thing about it? Besides the obvious that, God This Must Be The Worst Movie Ever Made!!! Well, that can actually be said about the movie, Employee Of The Month.



Here's the story: Dane Cook is the typical bad employee at the local Cost-co, or Sam's Club type place. His rival is the head cashier, played by Dax Shepard. When a new female employee is hired (Jessica Simpson) the rumor begins to circulate that she sleeps with every employee of the month in her store, and the race between Dane and Dax begins to get into Jessica's pants!

From the start of this horrid little affair, it's plain where it's going. Dane will learn a lesson, Dax will be taught a lesson and Jessica will learn about the rumors being told about her...all of which are not true. If you don't see that coming from the DVD box alone, then you probably haven't watched any movies in the past five years. This is a cookie cutter movie of the worst type. You could pull out Cook and insert Adam Sandler or David Spade and have the same movie! I'm beginning to truly hate these movies, what was once called a 'feel good' movie is now just one script that floats around, and we change the names and the locations and that's about it. All we need is a comedian who's desperate to be a movie star and we got ourselves a movie!!!

I'm giving Employee Of The Month a lonely half a cigar,

because this movie insults your intelligence from the start! I mean, lets be serious, who would trust Jessica Simpson to correctly count anything, let alone change!?! So, until next time, when I'll still be wishing that someone in that store had bought a chainsaw and lost their mind, remember that the best movies are bad movies.