Werewolves On Wheels

You know, they say that bikers are animals. Well, sometimes that's more true than you'd expect. That's the case in the movie, this time, Werewolves On Wheels!



Here's the story, when a biker gang decides to spend the night on the grounds of an old monastery, one of their women is kidnapped for use in a Satanic ritual by the monks. Well, bikers don't like you touching their chicks, so they go into the monastery and break the joint up and take their girl back, but not before the evil monks have put a spell on her that makes her turn into a werewolf when the moon rises!

So, now the bikers are travelling with a werewolf and no one knows it, and once she starts turning, soon there are other werewolves in the gang. Now, the gang has to return to the monastery to either kill the monks and free themselves of the curse of be killed themselves.

I'm giving Werewolves On Wheels three and a half out of four cigars,

because as a drive-in movie, it just doesn't get much better than this. You've got the bikers, you've got some horror, and you've got all the schlocky effects you could want. So, until next time, when I'll tell you about the time I turned into a werewolf...wait, I just forgot to shave for a month or so there, never mind. Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Mulva 2: Kill Teenape

Sometimes a movie is just bad and sometimes it's just so bad it's good...that's the case with Mulva 2: Kill Teenape!



This sequel to Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! is one of the strangest things I've ever seen on DVD. Part sequel, part parody, part comedy, part horror, this is a movie that clearly sets out to be fun at the expense of all else. Here's the story: Mulva wakes up after the events of part 1 with an assassin with an eye patch standing over her, after fighting with a plastic axe, Mulva then sets out to kill the team that put her in the coma...sound familiar...it should. Well, Mulva's ultimate goal is Teenape, the leader of the gang. Punctuated with humor, gore and just plain silliness, Mulva 2: Kill Teenape is one of the silliest things on film, and it's supposed to be that way!

Mulva 2: Kill Teenape is silly, pointless and goofy, but that's exactly what makes it so fun, the effects aren't supposed to look real...the villain's a dude in an ape mask for God's sake!! What really comes across here is the fun that the cast and crew seemed to have making this movie, and sometimes, that's more important that a great story or cool effects, if the movie is fun, then you find yourself having fun too...if it's while your scratching your head a little.

I'm giving Mulva 2: Kill Teenape three and a half out of four cigars,

because, while you might call it goofy or dumb, it's intended to be that way and it's not so long that it wears out it's welcome. Mulva 2 is low budget, low brow and it absolutely loves itself, and that makes you want to love it too!! So, until next time, when we'll talk about my great love of myself...in fact, I've even proposed to myself, but I feel that I may be too good for me. Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Movies I'm Looking Forward To...Summer Edition

The summer movie season is upon us...well, it's been a couple of weeks, I think Spiderman 3 was the first wave. But, with Pirates and Shrek and Fantastic Four and who knows how many other movies, I thought it would be time for a look at what I'm looking forward to seeing this summer!



Severance is the story of a group of arms salesmen who go on a 'team building' weekend. The trouble is, one of the team-mates is also a slasher! Don't go expecting Shaun Of The Dead, this is a horror movie, not a comedy! In either case, it sounds like great fun!



Fido is the touching story of a boy and his pet. In this case his pet happens to be a zombie, but it's a pet nonetheless! Starring Billy Connolly as Fido this movie should bring the zombie comedy to the next level!



Black Sheep is a movie from New Zealand. The story involves a scientific research facility that's cloning sheep. When one of the sheep, that didn't clone properly gets loose and infects the other sheep, it turns into Night Of The Living Dead Sheep! This is one movie that I can't wait to see!!

And that's not all, I'm sure there's a ton of movies that I'm forgetting, but that just leaves more for next time! And until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Ed Gein: The Butcher Of Plainfield

Serial killers, serial killers, serial killers. What is it about serial killers that fascinate us? Well, if I was the Psychological Examination Guy, I might have an answer, or at least a clue. But, I'm the Bad Movie Guy, so while I don't know what makes us all fascinated by serial killers, I can point out some good movies to sate that fascination. And the movie this time is actually pretty good, I think it fits the bill perfectly. It's called Ed Gein: The Butcher Of Plainfield and it combines the best of the fact and the fantasy!



Now, if you don't know the story of Ed Gein, then you really need to catch up here. Ed Gein's real story has been turned into film after film after film. Movies like Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Silence Of The Lambs owe a great deal to this mental patient, but Ed Gein: The Butcher Of Plainfield combines the best of these movies while maintaining one foot in the reality, it's a blend that actually works very well, here's the story:

Ed Gein (played here brilliantly by Kane Hodder) is a weird guy to start with, but when his mother dies, he loses his last touchstone to reality and begins doing very strange things, like digging up the graves of recently dead women to make himself a suit from their skin. When Ed begins killing women in town, instead of digging them up, he comes up on the radar of local law enforcement who eventually capture him. The difference in this movie than other movies is that, while Gein is definitely the villian, he's played with a bit of sympathy here. The movie revolves around Bobby Mason, a deputy in Plainfield who's just starting his career. He's determined to find out what's happening in town when reports come in about women disappearing and grave-robbing. Through the course of the movie, Bobby's mother is taken by Gein and, after a car accident, his girlfriend is also taken. The movie revolves more around Mason and his path toward Gein than about Gein himself. The gore quotient isn't too high, but there's some here.

The real standout performance in the movie, however, is Hodder. For an actor who has really been pigeon-holed as Jason Voorhees, Kane brings an indefinable quality to Gein, he's not just a psycho-killer, there's a look in his eye that makes you almost understand that there's something going in behind them that you'll never really understand. I have to hand it to Mr. Hodder, I doubted his ability, but after this, I'm willing to admit that I was wrong and look forward to more substantial performances from him!!! I'm giving Ed Gein: The Butcher Of Plainfield four out of four cigars,

because, if you know the story there's enough of a difference here for you to enjoy, and if you've never heard of the grim Mr. Gein, then this is a good start for your exploration. So, until next time, when we'll discuss my own mother and why I keep her locked in the basement, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

In honor of Jerry Falwell's death (by the way, he spoke at my high school graduation!), I thought something with a religious tone would be appropriate, but, being that I'm the Bad Movie Guy, how could I justify renting King Of Kings or The Greatest Story Ever Told? So, I went the bad movie direction and took a look at Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!



If the title alone doesn't interest you, then you're at the wrong website, my friend. Here's the story: Vampires are running loose around the city, and when they begin to attack people during the daytime, the church feels that it has no recourse but to step in, so, who do they turn to? You got it, Jesus! You see, Jesus has been back for a while, but he's been busy baptizing people and trying to build His fathers kingdom here on earth. But, now that the church has asked him to help with the vampires, and the vampires have attacked him, Jesus has no other choice but to kick some vampire ass!!!

A strange combination of horror movie, musical and comedy, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is one of the weirdest movies I've ever seen...and enjoyed. The story is nonsensical, involving Jesus with a vampire hunter named Mary Magnum and, eventually calling for the help of Mexican luchadore, El Santo, but it never loses it's focus, which seems to be fun. The plot involves vampires capturing lesbians for their skin, the vampires are grafting it over their own skin to allow them to walk in the daylight! Now, Jesus, Mary and Santos must stop this plague of the undead and save the lesbian population of the city.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is never played to offend, that doesn't seem to be the intention here, it's played strictly for laughs. And, while it may be the strangest movie I've ever seen (so far), it's like a car accident, you can't take your eyes off of it! I'm giving Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter three and a half out of four cigars,

because, while it's weird, it's actually just a fun movie. The budget was obviously low, but the fun quotient is very high on this one. And, for those out there who feel that this is blasphemous and heretical, get a sense of humor, not once does Jesus do anything in the movie that he didn't do in the Bible...except maybe fight vampires! So, until next time, when we'll continue my ten part lecture on B movies and the Bible, entitled, What Would Jesus Rent, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Head Case

For those of you who don't have the premium cable channels, you don't know what you're missing. Besides the obvious choices, like The Sopranos or The L Word, there's a ton of other, lesser publicized shows, that are out there, that are just as good, or better. One of those is the new series, Head Case, starring Alexandra Wentworth.

The series is pretty simple, Alexandra plays the therapist to the stars, the premise alone lends itself to comedy, but add Steve Landesberg as the therapist across the hall and you've got yourself something really funny! The first episode features Jason Priestly as Ali's patient, and the episode is spent suggesting that Jason is gay, and they've even got Jason in a dress and wig!!

While the show is fairly short, episode clock in at around 15 minutes or so, it's perfect for those of us with short attention spans, and, now that we've got the wonders of 'on demand' technology, we can watch as many episodes as we want, and I've watched everything that they've got on there! I'm giving Head Case four out of four cigars,

because this is a great premise executed in a great way! The improv feel of the show really gives this an almost documentary feel, and adds to the believeablity of the show, which makes it just that much funnier! So, until next time, when I'll tell you about the diagnosis of low frustration tolenance that I was given by a psychiatric professional and how long I yelled at her about it, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

The Neighbor No. 13

We all have them, neighbors who are the height of irritation. Personally, I have had neighbors who've done everything from party all night long on work-nights to the guy who apparently doesn't know how to start his lawnmower. But, I just saw a movie about a neighbor that makes them all look like just petty annoyances! It's called The Neighbor No. 13 and it's a pretty good J-Horror movie!



Like most J-Horror movies, this one is far more layered than an American horror movie, the emphasis is on story over gore or effects, and that's what makes this movie scarier. The basic story is of Murasaki, a boy who has been bullied relentlessly in school. We meet him when the bullies are tormenting him with acid, and, after what seems to be an accident, the acid is spilled in Murasaki's face...flash forward to years later and Murasaki is living in a rundown apartment and who happens to move in above him? You got it, his bully! Murasaki then gets a job working construction with the bully, Akai, and sets about getting his revenge.

Now, what keeps this from being just another revenge movie is the character of Murasaki...or rather characters. You see, the trauma of being scarred has caused Murasaki to develop a second personality, Neighbor No. 13, and when it's time for a little violence or if Murasaki gets too angry, it's Neighbor No. 13 who comes to the front, killing even people who are friendly to him, if they're endangering his agenda.

The real beauty of Neighbor No. 13 is the writing, the view is first led down the path that Murasaki is just a wronged kid looking for avenge himself, then, as the movie moves on, we're asked to sympathize with Akai, the bully. It's one of the really great things about J-Horror, the stories are always pretty good, and they have something to them other than people being strapped to a chair and tortured! Neighbor No. 13 is a commentary on violence of all ages, it shows us that, yes, Akai is wrong for bullying when he was a kid, but Murasaki isn't any better now that he's grown up and bullying the bully...in other words, it's the old story of two wrongs not making a right, but with a better story! And, there's a twist ending that makes you question everything that happened during the entire movie!

I'm giving The Neighbor No. 13 four out of four cigars,

because it's not just a great suspense movie, it's also a great movie that could be used as a lesson to kids today. Let's just hope that when they make the American version (which you know they will) that they keep the same themes from the original and maybe go with a good writer over some pretty WB kids as stars! So, until next time, when I'll tell you about my school bully and the shallow grave that my friends helped me bury him in, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Last House On The Left

I honestly enjoy taking out movies that I haven't seen in years, just to see if they still hold up after all these years. And one of the movies that I just did that with is the classic Last House On The Left.



In case you haven't seen this before the story is pretty simple. Mari and her friend head to New York to see a 'rock and roll' show for Mari's birthday. When they decide to buy some 'weed', they cross paths with a group of convicts who have just escaped jail. And, not only are they convicts, they're insane psychopaths who enjoy torturing and killing! Well, Mari and her friend spend the night and most of the next day being tortured, both mentally and physically, until they're both killed. Now, don't think that this is just an early 'torture' movie, this is more than that, because after the girls are killed and the bodies are disposed of the little band of killers find themselves in the home of a kindly couple who just happened to be Mari's parents. And, when they find out that the people they've opened their house to are the killers of their daughter, revenge is an understatement!

The gem on the Special Edition DVD is the short 'making of' documentary that features interviews with most of the original cast as well as Wes Craven and Sean Cunningham. Little facts about this classic film are very interesting, everything from how it came to be made (it was financed by a group of theatre owners who actually produced their own movies) and how the film was named (one of the titles it was originally marketed under was 'Krug And Company'), this is a great little extra on the DVD!

I'm giving Last House On The Left Special Edition DVD four out of four cigars,

because, despite being over 35 years old, this movie still has the power to both make you uncomfortable and horrified! And, here's hoping that the proposed remake of this movie never sees the light of day, with the original still able to affect audiences like this one can, we don't need a remake with WB kids!!! So, until next time, when I'll tell you about the time I tortured a woman...well, I called it a date, but her story was different, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Jackass Number Two

What is it about people hurting themselves that's funny? Now, don't pretend that you're above it, we've all laughed about the guy taking it in the nuts on America's Funniest Home Videos, I know I have! Well, after the success of the Jackass series and the first Jackass movie, I thought that the sequel would be even funnier...well I was wrong!



This second movie takes the Jackass crew overseas to do the same self destructive crap they did in the first movie. And, while I laughed a couple of times, the airbag attached to the front doorbell is very funny, it felt like the crew is running out of ways to hurt themselves. But, my main objection is that it seems that these guys enjoy getting naked waaaaay too much!!

I wish that more of the time they could have thought of more innovative ways to do their stunts, the giant rocket is great, and some of the smaller stuff is funny, but if I have to watch Steve O stuff one more thing up his ass, I swear to God, I'll plant my boot up there!!!

I'm giving Jackass Number Two one cigar out of four,

because it's just not as funny as it used to be, maybe it was the shock value that made it funny in the first place and now that we know what to expect, it loses something. So, until next time, when I'll still be patting myself on the back for not making the obvious 'number two' joke in this review, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

I Drink Your Blood

Sometimes it only takes the right title to draw a person to a movie, I guess that's why exploitation movies were so very profitable. That's why I rented I Drink Your Blood...but that's not why I liked the movie!



Here's the story: A group of evil, Satan worshipping hippies travel to a small town where they terrorize an old man and his grandchildren. But, when his grandson gets mad and decides to take revenge on the hippies things get very strange! The kid kills a rabid dog, gets a syringe and draws blood from the dead dog and then injects it into the hippies food, thus giving the hippies incurable rabies...and ingenious scheme for a kid, don't you think?

The beauty of this movie is that we believe that the horror is going to stem from the hippies, and it does, just not in the way we're led to believe early on in the film. We're led to believe that the hippies will be a torturous, lot and will terrorize the town, but after they ingest the tainted food, they turn into, near-zombies and begin to terrorize the town in an entirely different way. I Drink Your Blood is one of the most original movies that you've probably never seen. I'm giving I Drink Your Blood three and a half out of four cigars,

and it only lost that half a cigar because the movie can't seem to decide whether it wants to be campy or straight horror, and, while that doesn't really ruin the movie, it does get distracting. So, until next time, when we'll all be thankful that we've had our rabies shots, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Unrest

Last years Horrorfest, the 8 Movies To Die For, just keeps on giving. Not only are they doing again this November, but the movies from last year are now on DVD, so, for those of you who, like me, missed some of them in the theatre, here's your chance. This time, the movie is Unrest.



The story here is about a group of medical students who are in their first year of gross anatomy, the class where they get to dissect a human body. But, when one of the group starts getting strange feelings about their cadaver, things take a strange turn. It seems that the soul doesn't depart the body until the body is laid to a proper rest, and when a body is turned over to science, the soul stays with that body. And, while most of the time that's not a problem, this particular body's spirit is very angry, and people begin to die in most grisly ways!

Unrest is a very different horror movie, drawing it's gore from things that are done every day in medical labs, the terror really comes from what is essentially a haunting of the hospital by the spirits who can't rest in peace! This is a great indie movie and it really deserves more attention than it got...so here's a little attention now!

I'm giving Unrest four out of four cigars,

for being a tried and true genre (a ghost story) told in a unique and original way. So, until next time, when I'll tell you about the ghost that's been haunting me, not a real ghost, but that damned Casper...he HAUNTS me!!! Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Night Of The Living Dorks

Now, I've said it before and I just know I'll end up saying it again, mixing comedy and horror is probably as hard as mixing oil and water, it can be done, but it takes talent and patience. Well, a new movie out of Germany does one better than that, it not only mixed comedy and horror, but teen comedy and horror! It's called Night Of The Living Dorks and it's one of the strangest movies that you'll ever enjoy!




Here's the story: Philip, Worst and Conrad are the three kids in school who everyone picks on...they're the dorks. The movie begins like a typical teen-angst comedy, Philip has a crush on the school hottie, but his neighbor, a goth chick who also goes to his high school (and who is far hotter than the hot girl) has been friend with Philip for years. It all goes like a Porky's or an American Pie, until Philip decides that the goth kids might be able to help him make a love potion to get the girl of his dreams interested in him! Well, the goths agree to make the potion, but only after they raise the dead, but in typical teen comedy tradition, the ritual goes wrong and our three heroes wind up with zombie ashes in their faces.

I think you can see where this is going, the ritual actually worked and out three teen heroes are now zombies! And, no they're not the running around and eating brains kind of zombies, they still have their faculties about them, although they have the penchant for eating raw meat and human flesh is quite tasty! Now, it's up to the neighbor goth chick to find an antidote in the necromonicon that she carries with her to cure the three dorks before the zombie-ism can become a permanent thing!

Night Of The Living Dorks is probably the most interesting blend of two genres I've ever seen, giving us horror with a decided John Hughes flair. If you're looking for a horror movie that's not quite as dark as some have been lately, then Night Of The Living Dorks is right up your alley! I'm giving Night Of The Living Dorks, three and a half out of four cigars,

because the mere thought of mixing these two genres is mind-boggling, but to actually do it and make it work...genius! Night Of The Living Dorks could be the perfect mix of two genres, and I doubt that it could be re-done...so don't try it! So, until next time, when I'll tell you about my concept for mixing two different genres, sci-fi and chick-flick, it's the touching story of a robot who can turn into an English gentleman, then he falls in love with the local peasant girl, but when her father objects, he's forced to turn into the robot and destroy her family, so they can be together...romantic, but scary, I know you're interested! And, until next time, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Rooms For Tourists

Sometimes we forget that there are other countries churning out movies too. Now, I'm not talking about the J-Horror craze, I mean low budget, independent movies that are just as good as what's coming from the U.S. I just watched an independent Argentinian movie called Rooms For Tourists.



The story here is pretty simple, five girls who are on their way to Trinidad are stopped halfway when they have to change from the bus to the train. When they find out they've missed the train, they have to spend the night in a small town. The trouble comes when the find themselves stalked by a strange man in a white mask who's killing them one at a time. As the story unfolds, we find out that this is a bit more than just another slasher movie, this is a slasher movie with a moral.

You see, all the girls have the same amount of money on them and they're all headed to the same place, it turns out that the same doctor has sent them all to the same place to have abortions, and the town they've become stuck in is very religious!

This may be the first morally bases slasher movie I've ever seen, and it's something that would NEVER be made here in the U.S. The simple fact that the killers are portrayed at the end, not as monsters, but as people with a moral conscience, is, in itself, very strange, but the fact that the line is blurred between who's really the killer is a very powerful anti-abortion statement, and one that the religious right in this country would never have the will to support.

I'm giving Rooms For Tourist four out of four cigars,

for it's courage to take an established genre and put a spin on it that I've never seen. It makes me glad that these kinds of indie movies from other countries are trickling into ours! So, until next time, when we'll explain that the character of Jason Voorhees is really a symbol of S.T.D.'s, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Spiderman 3

After a week off, I thought it might be nice to come back with something a bit different...how about a movie that's actually at the theatres today!? Yep, the old Bad Movie Guy dragged himself to a midnight show to see Spiderman 3!



Now, I'll try not to spoil anything, but I have to say right up front, if you don't want to know anything about the movie before you see it, you should probably not read the rest of this...try heading over to Rogue Cinema and read about the latest in indie film. For the rest of you, here's the story:

Spiderman 3 picks up where 2 left off...sort of. Peter and Mary Jane are an item, Harry Osborne hates Pete and New York loves Spidey. Well, things get complicated (as they always do in any Spiderman story), we find out that Harry is carrying on with the tradition his father left behind as the New Goblin. We find out that the robber from part 1 didn't really kill Uncle Ben, that was Flint Marco, who becomes the Sandman and a meteor falls to Earth containing a dangerous symbiont that attaches itself to Spidey and eventually becomes Venom! That's a lot of stuff going on is one movie!

Ultimately, Spiderman 3 is the final chapter in this story, it deals with redemption and change, we see Spiderman go through changes, we see the ultimate redemption of Harry, and we learn that sometimes fate conspires against people to make them seem to be something that they're not. At a running time of over two hours, Spiderman 3 is a bit long, there's waaaaay too much of Peter Parkers romantic problems, and the Sandman is a character that's really wasted in this movie, he's here to teach Spidey a lesson and the one action scene between Spiderman and Sandman isn't as good as the Doc Ock fight in Part 2. I'm giving Spiderman 3 three out of four cigars,

mostly because, while I love this series, I got the sense that Sam Raimi may be ready for a little break from Spiderman for a while, Part 3 wraps up the trilogy nicely, while leaving some questions open for a follow-up story down the road. Is Spiderman 3 worth the price of admission? I think so, but be prepared for long stretches of hearts and flowers! So, until next time, when I'll explain to you people out there why Superman could beat Spiderman in a fight, remember that the best movies are bad movies!