Taladega Nights: The Legend Of Ricky Bobby

I have to admit, I'm a big fan of Will Ferrell. He seems to be one of the few fearless comedic actors out there today, and you have to admire someone who will do almost literally anything for a laugh! Well, after Anchorman and Elf, it seemed that he could move in almost any direction he wanted. Let's not talk about missteps like Kicking And Screaming or Bewitched...we'll just ignore them! This time, let's talk about Taladega Nights: The Legend Of Ricky Bobby.



This promised to be a laugh riot, after all, you've got Will Ferrell and Sasha Baron Cohen and they're sending up NASCAR, it almost writes itself, but this movie falls sadly short. Here's the basic story: Ricky Bobby is one of the great NASCAR drivers of all time, but when he begins losing and loses his confidence in his ability he falls on hard times. Sound familiar? It should, it's sort of what happened to Will's character in Anchorman! What promised to be hysterically funny, slowly spiraled in and crashed far short of the comedy runway. This is one of those comedies that all the funniest parts are in the trailer! The comedic potential of this premise is never truly realized, it seems that the writers decided that NASCAR was so funny that they didn't really need to write too much.



I'm giving Taladega Nights: The Legend Of Ricky Bobby two out of four cigars,

because, in spite of everything, there are some funny moments, just not as many as you might have wanted from this kind of movie! So, until next time, when I'll tell you about my own NASCAR driving experience...well, I just went out an made a bunch of left turns and lapped my block for three hours...until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Lake Placid

When was the last time you were sitting there, watching a rerun of The Golden Girls, just thinking to yourself, 'Man, this would be such a great show, if they only added a giant crocodile.', well, if you're like me, you've wished that on more than one occasion. Well, young friends, your prayers have been partially answered with a little movie called Lake Placid!



Here's the story: When people start going missing around Lake Placid, the rumor spreads that there's some sort of monster in the lake. Well, enter Oliver Platt as a scientist with a penchant for crocs, and when he needs help, why not call in Bill Pullman (the local game warden) and Bridget Fonda (a paleontologist) to consult on getting rid of the over sized crocodile. What follows is more comedy than horror, with the team trying to find a way to capture the croc without killing him...in particular the 'fishing with a whole live cow' scene stands out in my mind! The real stand out performance here, though, is the golden girl herself, Betty White, as Delores Bickerman, the old lady who lives on the edge of the lake and hasn't had any problems at all. Betty does a sort of evil riff on her GG character, while adding a ton of help to a movie that's, at it's heart, just another 'nature run amok' movie.

I'm giving Lake Placid three out of four cigars,

because, while it's not for everyone, it's just a fun movie! And the ending will leave you both laughing and wanting more! If you're a Betty White fan, then you'll love her in this movie, if you're not a Betty White fan, you will be after Lake Placid! So, until next time, when we'll plan a movie starring the rest of the Golden Girls and some kind of giant man-eating beast, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Motel Hell

When you read the tagline, "It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters!", you know you're about to see 80s horror at it's finest! Yep, after years, I sat down to watch the classic 80s movie, Motel Hell!



Now, I'm going to date myself here, but I remember seeing Motel Hell at the drive in when it was first released, probably on a double bill with some other lost 80s classic, here's the story: Farmer Vincent (played by the legendary Rory Calhoun) is famous in his region for his smoked meats, everybody comes from miles around to get some of his meat in their mouth (Sorry, I just couldn't pass that line up!). But, what makes Farmer Vincent's smoked meats so tasty? Could it be the herb and spices? Could be. Could it be some secret smoke recipe? Perhaps. Or could it be that Farmer Vincent's meats are made from any poor sap who Farmer Vincent and his warped sister, Ida (played with evil relish by Nancy Parsons), happen to run off the road and capture. That's right, Farmer Vincent doesn't just kill people and serve 'em up! No, Vincent has a recipe. Start with capturing someone who passes by, plant them in the ground up to their neck (don't forget to cut those pesky vocal cords), feed them through a tube with a special mixture of planted human food, and then harvest, butcher and smoke 'em up! It makes your mouth water just thinking about it, don't it??

Motel Hell is probably one of the few 'campy' horror movies that actually works. And it only works on the strength of Rory Calhoun and Nancy Parsons as Vincent and Ida, these two are such great actors that even when they're over-acting it's great! I'm giving Motel Hell four out of four cigars,

because this is Texas Chainsaw with a few laughs built in, it's just that good. So, until next time, when I'll serve up some more delicious morsels that I found myself, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Premonition

Continuing on with my J-Horror tear (I've been on it since reading Asian Shock by Patrick Galloway...a great book, by the way), I decided to check out a movie who's remake is about to be released here in the U.S. starring Sandra Bullock. Yep, it's Premonition.



Now, there's a ton of controversy about whether or not this is a remake of Yogen (A J-Horror movie that was renamed Premonition for it's U.S. release). Having not seen the Sandra Bullock movie, it's hard to say, but odds are good that it is a remake, since Hollywood seems to have run completely out of ideas and has turned to Asia for anything that's mildly successful there to Americanize, bastardize and then shove down out throats!

Sooooo, with that all said, let's take a look at the original, Premonition, here's the story: Hiroshi is a hard working teacher. On the way home from a family vacation, he's trying desperately to upload a file that needs to be at work before he gets there. When he can't get a signal on his cell phone, he has his wife pull over at a pay phone to use dial up to send his file. While Hiroshi is standing in the phone booth waiting on his computer, he notices a scrap of newspaper, picking it up, it contains an article about his daughters death, in a car accident that's just minutes away from happening! Confused, Hiroshi's walking across the street to help his wife get his daughter out of the car, when he notices a truck approaching. Hiroshi tries but is unable to help his daughter, who is killed just as the newspaper described! Everyone assumes that Hiroshi is losing his mind with grief, we meet him again three years later, his marriage has fallen apart, he's a mess and everyone still thinks he's a bit off since his daughter's death. When Hiroshi sees another headline, predicting the death of one of his students, he feels that the people around him might be right, maybe he is losing it. Hiroshi turns to his wife, Ayaka, a researcher, who just so happens to be researching the very same thing that's plaguing Hiroshi, and together, it's up to them to discover where the papers are coming from and how to prevent their headlines from coming true!

Premonition is one of the strangest movies I've seen in quite some time, it's a bit disjointed in places and if you don't pay attention, you'll find it hard to follow. But, keep up with it and you'll be rewarded! Premonition is the story of tragedy and how any of us involved with it would love to change the past, and what the cost might be of doing that. It's a bit deep, but it's a riveting movie. I'm giving Premonition four out of four cigars,

because as the movie unfolds, you find yourself thinking about all the things that have gone wrong in your own life, and how changing that might change your current reality...deep, right?! Premonition is a movie that warrants re-watching, and I don't say that about too many movies. So, until next time, when I'll have a premonition of Hollywood getting an original idea...wait, that's not a premonition, that's a fantasy...remember that the best movies are bad movies!

School Of The Holy Beast

So, lately I've been reading a lot about Japanese movies, past and present, and I've been searching out some of the more interesting sounding movies to review here. The first one that caught my eye is School Of The Holy Beast.



Here's the story: Maya Takagawa is looking into the death of her mother. It seems that her mother died in a convent under mysterious circumstances and Maya wants to know what happened and maybe get a little bit of revenge. So, she joins the convent and finds it to be a den of weirdos and perverts. Two of the nuns are lesbians, one has been put there by her parents to be 'fixed' and the hierarchy of the nunnery are sadistic torturers! After being 'punished' for being a problem nun, Maya uncovers the truth about her mother. I would give it away here, but why ruin a perfectly good nun-xploitation movie?! Let's just say that revenge is meted out and justice is served!

I'm giving School Of The Holy Beast two out of four cigars,

because it moves a bit slowly and for being a 'shocking' movie, I really wasn't all that shocked. Now, keep in mind that this is a Japanese movie from the 70s so, shocking is probably a relative thing here, but I wasn't all that shocked or horrified. So, until next time, when I'll dress like a nun and do a little torturing of my own, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Smokey And The Bandit

"The boys are thirsty in Atlanta
And there's beer in Texarkana
And we'll bring it back
No matter what it takes!"

If that particular piece of American poetry doesn't sound familiar to you, I would submit that you're young enough to have missed the 70s entirely, because if you'd been there, there was no missing this one! It's Smokey And The Bandit, and if there's such a thing as an American Classic Movie, this one is it!



Here's the basic story: Burt Reynolds plays the bandit, a truck racer who's down on his luck. Into the bandit's lap falls a challenge, get some Coors beer from Texarkana, Texas back to Atlanta, Georgia for a barbecue. Now, while that might not sound like such a big challenge, remember that in the 70s Coors was only sold west of the Mississippi, so all of us on this side of the big river thought that it was the best beer ever (having had it since then, it's okay, but I think the mystique was caused by what's known as the 'forbidden apple' syndrome), and if you got caught carrying across state lines you were in trouble...Federal trouble! So, now the bandit has a mere 18 hours to get the beer back to Georgia. Calling on his trucker friend, the Snowman (played by Jerry Reed), Bandit is off! What follows is pure 70s joy. Jackie Gleason as Sheriff Buford T. Justice picks up the speeding duo in Texas and chases them all the way back to Georgia. It's a trip full of wild people, crazy car crashes and good old fashioned country music...as I said, pure 70s joy!

If you haven't seen Smokey And The Bandit, I would question your age and your patriotism, my friend. After this movie was released sales of the Trans Am skyrocketed, everyone wanted a black one with the gold bird on the hood, sales of CB radios went through the roof too, anyone who was anyone in the 70s had a handle (that's your CB nickname or call sign...10-4). This is classic American Drive In stuff of legends!

I'm giving Smokey And The Bandit 4 out of 4 cigars,

because it just doesn't get much better than this, and I defy you to watch this movie and not walk away singing that damned song...it's stuck in my head still! So, until next time, when I'll take the challenge of watching 18 movies in one long weekend, without getting up once for a bathroom break, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

One Missed Call

Alright, I've been on a sort of Asian movie tear lately. I can't explain it, maybe it's the fact that these movies expect me to think a little bit and not explain everything that's happening or maybe it's the fact that, being made by a different culture entirely, they have an added mystique that fascinates me. Either way, they tend to be just really great movies! This time, it's a cursed cell phone, in One Missed Call.



Here's the story: You get a call on your cell phone, the ring isn't yours and when you look at the incoming call, it's from you! When the call disconnects you find that you have one missed call (hence the name of the movie) and you have a voice mail. The voice is yours and it's from the exact time of your death...you get to listen to yourself die, and the time code on the call is from the future, so you know the exact time and date of your own death! And after you die, a person who's number is in your phone gets the next call from themselves. It's all very weird, but with the Japanese fascination with technology, I suppose that a cursed cell phone was inevitable.

While this might sound like a bit of a laugh, but it's actually a very scary movie. The cell phone calls at first are mocked by people, but as it becomes more and more apparent that this is real, the tension mounts. Then, when a girl who received a call is grabbed by the media for a live show at the time of her death, everyone in the country is watching as she is killed in an incredibly spectacular way...I hate to give it away but let's just say to be decapitated by one of your own body parts...it's pretty gory and cool! This is pretty much going where you think, one of the potential victims and a brother of another victim must team up to unravel the mystery of the curse and find a way to stop it.

I'm giving One Missed Call three and a half out of four cigars,

and it only lost a half a cigar for two reasons, one, it runs just a little long, running at just under two hours, I felt like it dragged on just a bit before the dramatic climax, and two, I'm getting a little tired of the long black haired spectre who's killing people. I understand that this is a Japanese thing and it was pretty scary the first couple of times, but it seems that every spectre coming from the Land Of The Rising Sun looks like the last...give us something a bit different...PLEASE!!! So, until next time, when I'll wet myself down and have all my hair hanging in my face...just to scare you, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Shorts On Fangoria.TV

Now, I know most people out there don't watch alot of short films, but, seriously, you don't know what you're missing! I was just over visiting Fangoria.TV and I have to tell you, the shorts they're putting up in the free section are amazing!

Here's a sample of what's there right this minute:

Take Out - This short is the first one posted today, and it's terrific! Besides an
appearance by Scream Queen Debbie Rochon, this short is more the start of
a great horror film, as most shorts are. It's less than 5 minutes long,
but it leaves you wanting more! I'd tell you more about it, but I'd hate
to ruin it for you, suffice it to say, it gives new meaning to the phrase,
"I'll bring home dinner."!

Dead Shift - This is a strange romantic movie disguised as a zombie movie! This fun
little film is the story of what probably happens working the late shift
at the local 7-11! It's got action, it's got horror, it's got zombies,
and then there a little romance thrown in for good measure. It may be
one of the most fun horror shorts I've seen.

And that's just a small sample of what's over on Fangoria.TV and the content changes every week! Now, I know what you're thinking, what's all this cost??!! Well...NOTHING! That's right, it's all free! Well, there is a subscriber section that has more material, but you can see stuff that just a great for free...and it's all horror, none of that idiots dancing around crap!

I can't recommend this site highly enough, it's just what the doctor ordered...if your doctor happens to be named Frankenstein!

See No Evil

Alright, I'm about to out myself here...I'm a fan of WWE wrestling. There I said it and I feel no shame about it, after all there are millions of people all over the world who watch this...let's not call it a sport exactly, but how about athletic exhibition, or sports entertainment, as they call it. I won't get into the debate about whether or not wrestling is a sport or whether or not wrestlers are athletes per se, because that's not what I'm here for. What I'm here for is bad movies, after all it's the whole title of the site! And, what, you might ask, does wrestling have to do with bad movies, well, the WWE recently branched out into the movie business, and it's first release, See No Evil, stars WWE superstar, Kane, and man, if it's a horror movie you're looking for, then you might look somewhere else!



See No Evil is the tale of Jacob Goodnight (Kane), a maniac killer who's escaped and is currently holed up in an abandoned hotel. Well, it just so happens that this particular hotel is being cleaned by a group of juvenile delinquents and they're spending the whole weekend locked into the creepy, dirty place. If you can't see what's coming then you probably haven't seen ANY movies in your life! The kids start disappearing, and eventually they find out that it's Jacob Goodnight, but by then there's only two of them and blah, blah, blah! This is your standard horror flick, there's nothing here to make it stand out from any other generic horror movie.

Kane is very good, but he's really just playing a version of his wrestling character, so it's something he's comfortable with. If you're in the mood for some mindless fright fare, then this might be up your alley, if you're looking for some new sort of movie, then you should look elsewhere!

I'm giving See No Evil one and a half cigars,

because it's just not that good, the sets are great, they've got a pretty cool bad guy, but the end felt contrived and if you didn't see it coming a mile away, then again, this might be the first movie that you're seeing! So, until next time, when I'll be hiding hoping that Kane likes the fact that I liked his performance, I'd hate to be hiding from him for the rest of my life, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

In the world of movie team-ups, it seems that nothing is impossible, hell, even Freddy and Jason eventually met up, even if it did take about twenty years to get them there. But, we've seen Godzilla meet everyone from Mothra to Bambi, Abbott and Costello met up with every Universal monster there was and Boris Karloff, Vincent Price and Peter Lorre met up for a truly crappy version of The Raven. But, of all the team-ups the weirdest may be the western crossed with the horror movie! This has only happened twice...that I know of...but both of those are really, really...what's the word?? Atrocities! The one we'll look at this time is Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.



This bizarre cross-over begins with the grand-daughter of Frankenstein, having moved to some unknown city in the U.S., harvesting local Mexican boys for her strange experiments. The town is moving away as their men die off, so there's only one family left, and they're on their way out! Flash to another part of this same state, Jesse James and his rather large partner, Hank, are attempting a stage coach robbery when Hank is shot. Now, on their trek, with Hank injured, the criminal duo come across Juanita and her family who are leaving the Frankenstein village (that's not the real name but let's just agree to call it that), well, since Jesse and Hank can't go to a real doctor, Juanita agrees to take them to Maria Frankenstein, who is, after all a doctor. So, the criminals go to Casa Del Frankenstein, Frankenstein's daughter decides to experiment on Hank (since he's a body builder-looking cowboy) and the story gets weirder!

Hank is turned into a monster that Maria Frankenstein calls Igor, he begins killing anyone she doesn't like and it's suddenly up to Jesse James to save the village...well, it's really just Juanita living there now, everyone else has gone! This is one of the dumbest movies I think I've ever seen, the two genres don't mesh well, the acting is so over the top that it's just hard to watch and the story is something that a ten year old might have written! Funny? A little. Hard to watch? Definitely!

I'm giving Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter a lonely stub of a half a cigar,

because this was harder to watch than seeing your grandma at a strip joint...working! So, until next time, when we'll talk about other things that don't go together, like that taco-twinkee combo I proposed years ago, remember that the best movies are bad movies!