The Last Bastion Of Manhood

I was watching the news yesterday and they were doing a story on a 'new man', a man they call a mega metro-sexual. Now, as opposed to a real metro-sexual, a mega metro-sexual is apparently one step closer to achieving any metro-sexual's true desire...womanhood!

Now, I hate to complain about society today, but where the hell did all the men go?!?! Everywhere I look there are guys with 'product' in their hair, or going to the 'salon', for Christ's sake, what ever happened to a barbershop? Now, suddenly, with the appearance of these mega metro-sexuals, manhood is under siege! Now, I understand that times change and that we should all change with them, but, it seems that the world is in desperate need of a few good men...no, not Marines (even though I'm a fan of Marines), what I mean is men who aren't afraid to get dirty, men who aren't afraid to get a little messed up or a bit sweaty, men who are...well...men!

Here's a few tips for those of you out there who would like to join me in the ranks of the last few living real men:

1 - Stop putting crap in your hair! As a real man, here's what we do in the morning, the 3 S's, dump, shower and shave. After that, it's all just wasted time. Comb your hair, slap on some old spice (or whatever aftershave your wife bought for you, after all, real men don't care how they smell) and we're good to go! There's no need to exfoliate or moisturize, a real man doesn't even know what exfoliate means...in fact, I had to look it up just to know how to spell it!

2 - Stop getting crap pierced! You'll never see a 'real man' with some stupid metal stud in his nose or eyebrow or God knows where! All that stuff is, is one more thing that someone can grab hold of in a fight!

3 - Tattoos are alright....just be careful. I recently saw a guy with a tattoo of a flower on his forearm...a flower! Now, it probably had some meaning to him, but to the rest of the world it announced him as some sort of weird art freak or worse...a florist! If you have to have a tattoo, get something manly, like a boat anchor or something with an arrow through it.

4 - Don't worry so much about your clothes. As a real man, all you should be worrying about it that your 'junk' isn't hanging out. Other than that, there's nothing to worry about. If and when you get a wife, all those clothes issues will resolve themselves. Matching and style is something that real men don't need to worry about!

5 - Last, but not least, quit your whining! You never heard John Wayne complaining about little stuff. If you're faced with some minor adversity (or a large one for that matter), just deal with it. No one cares if your personal life is going to shit or if you're in pain because you have some kind of foot problem, just suck up the pain and move on. We have a saying at the 'real man' meetings: Bitching Is For Bitches. That's some of those words to live by!

So, there you have it, start living by those rules and you, too, will find yourself becoming a real man. And, if you're reading this while sitting in a 'coffee house' or in some kind of 'salon', then you may want to rethink the whole thing. If you bring your frapachino to the local 'man' union meeting, you're just going to be pantsed and thrown out on the street!