Dexter

Now, most of the time, I try to limit myself to DVD's, that way I'm sure that anyone who reads this regularly will be able to see the same horrible things that I do...IF THEY DARE!!! But, I just started watching a great new Showtime series and I can't help myself but tell you about it. It's called Dexter and it's based on a book called Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. This is one of the most interesting and different series that's ever been on TV ever! This will make you forget about Lost completely...at least, it has for me!



Here's the basic story: Dexter is a blood splatter expert for the Miami police. He's very good at what he does, but that's not because he's a professional, it's because his love for blood runs deep. You see, Dexter isn't normal, he's a serial killer. We learn through flashbacks that Dexter has been this way since he was a child and, with the help of his foster father, who was a cop, he's learned to control and channel his urges. You see, Dexter isn't a normal serial killer, he only kills people who deserve it. Dexter was taught by his dad to do the detective work and be careful, the first person we see Dexter 'work' on is a child killer. So, he's a serial killer who's blood lust is huge, but he only kills people who deserve it! In the series, Dexter is being taunted and targeted by another serial killer, known as the Ice Truck Killer, who Dexter both wants to stop and admires greatly. And it's in this total dicatomy that Dexter finds it's charm. We like Dexter, he's a pretty nice guy, even if he does kill people. He has a girlfriend, who he carefully selected, and is great with her kids! Now, it's only been on for a few episodes, but each one just draws us deeper into the mind of this good/bad guy, and always leaves you wondering what will happen next. The writing is excellent, the acting is superb and Michael C. Hall embodies Dexter to perfection! He's a good looking guy, but you can see just by looking at him that something isn't right with him, it's either acting worthy of an Emmy or we might want to check his basement for stacks of bodies!!

I'm giving Dexter four out of four cigars, because not only can't I wait for the next episode, but I can't wait for the inevitable DVD release to get the extras that are always available!!! So, until next time when I'll reveal myself to be a serial eater...wait, I think that should be cereal, not serial...Hell, I not be so good at the words, until then, remember that the best movies be bad movies!!!

Mr. Jingles

For some reason, there are just tons of people who are afraid of clowns. Personally, I don’t get it, are they afraid of those tiny cars too? Clowns are just weirdoes in makeup, and while, I’m usually afraid of the weirdoes myself; just because they’re in makeup doesn’t make them any more or less strange! Well, fear of clowns is so common that it’s become nearly it’s own sub-genre in horror. I just finished watching a clown movie with a slight twist, Mr. Jingles.

Mr. Jingles

Mr. Jingles is a local horror movie (shot here in the Bad Movie Guy’s stomping grounds, in the suburbs of Detroit), so, maybe the horror felt a little less to me, because I recognized a few of the locations that were in the movie. That said, here’s the story: Seven years ago, the clown, Mr. Jingles, killed Angie’s whole family. Angie, being the only survivor is now being released from the psychiatric hospital that seeing her family killed by the clown drove her into. Now that she’s home, people are starting to die again, and since the local urban legend of Mr. Jingles is still around, rumors of his reappearance start to circulate! So, when a group of Angie’s friends throw her a coming home party, all hell is certainly going to break loose!

Mr. Jingles is certainly low budget, but that doesn’t really take away from it and, while I had a little trouble distancing myself from the familiar locations, it’s certainly an original take on the ‘horror clown’ genre! If you have a fear of clowns or know someone who does, Mr. Jingles is probably going to be far scarier to you than it was to me. Now, does that mean I don’t recommend it, not at all, Mr. Jingles is a great movie, the acting is great and the story is pretty strong, although a bit derivative at times. I’m giving Mr. Jingles 3 out of 4 cigars,

and it lost one cigar because there were times when I could actually tell what was coming, but the ending still held one quick surprise! So, until next time, when I’ll do the whole review in clown makeup, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Now, ordinarily I'm more interested in current releases, but once in a while, I see something that I've heard of but never seen and the mood strikes me and I have to watch it. That's what happened this week with Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill!... Kill!

While this isn't Russ Meyer's first film, it's probably his best known. Here's the story: Varla, Rosie and Billie are strippers on the road, when they come across a couple in the desert, things get weird and the man winds up dead. Well, he winds up that way after Varla kills him with her bare hands. Now the girls are on the run with a hostage! When stopping for gas, they hear about an old man who has a stash of money and the girls decide to get the cash...I mean, as long as you're in trouble already, what they hell?? Well, they find the old man, who lives with his two sons in the middle of the desert. One son is normal (sort of), while the other is known as 'the vegetable', because he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Well, you might imagine when this unholy combination of people meet, things go south pretty quickly. Fights break out, there's one attempted rape, a couple of knifings and people get run over with cars and trucks.

While Russ Meyer is best known as 'the guy who likes chicks with huge boobs', this movie isn't about the girls, it's about the violence, and most of the violence is perpetrated BY the women, not against them. Oh, there's one girl who's the victim and ultimately it's a man who rescues her, but this is all about the ladies. You might even call this an early feminist movie. I'm giving Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! four out of four cigars, , because the story moved right along, it doesn't seem dated (aside from the language) and I never found myself fidgeting in my seat once! So, until next time, when I'll watch some other feminist movies and then go put my dress on and cry a little, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Hubris

I'm about to make a shocking confession, one that will probably get me thrown out of the 'guy union' for life, but we all know it's true. Here's goes: Women Are Smarter Than Men. There, let the chips fall where they may. But, you have to admit, even if only silently to yourself, it's just damn true. And if you don't believe it, then just ask your wife or girlfriend about something that happened years ago. A woman can remember things for years and years, and, us guys, are doing good to remember what we had for breakfast by dinnertime. By now you're wondering to yourself, what the hell is Brian rambling about, well, let me tell you, I just watched a great movie...not a good movie, a great movie called Hubris.



Here's the story: Barry is a lonely guy who just wants a date. His married friend Jeremy is a "smooth talker" who knows how to deal with the ladies. So, Jeremy sets up a plan to go to an exclusive speed dating club, where he and his friends will make the ladies hate them so much that, no matter what Barry does, he's sure to get a date because he'll look so good by comparison! A great plan and one that I'm sure has been tried by real guys! Well, as go all best laid plans of us men, this one falls apart. I'd tell you how, but that would just ruin it, you really need to see this one for yourself!

Hubris is about relationships, dating and so much more. It's one of the best written things I've seen in years, the acting is great and the dialogue is extremely realistic, unlike most comedies that throw aside great dialogue in favor of one liners and jokes while Hubris goes with dialogue that reminds me of the days when all the guys would hang out, the talk would always turn to girls and biological functions...just like in Hubris. I'm giving Hubris 4 out of 4 cigars,

because while this movie is a comedy, having been around guys, it's really very close to a documentary! If you'd like to check it out for yourself, head on over to Hubris The Movie.com and see for yourself, and I personally can't wait for Gary King's sequel to this funny funny movie! And, until next time, when I'll tell you about the time my friends and I got thrown out of the local topless bar...I thought it was sexy to tell the waitress that I wanted to bite her nose, yes I was that drunk, until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Rest Stop

You know, sometimes you go into a movie with a feeling that it's gonna be a bad one, and sometimes you're wrong. Well, this time, I was dead on the money! The movie is Rest Stop and it's a rehash of every 'road killer' movie you've ever seen, without any of the scares or fun!



Here's the story: When Nicole and her boyfriend Jess decide to run away to Los Angeles to become actors, they take a wrong turn onto a road that they can't find on the map. Jess isn't worried at all, but Nicole has a bad feeling. Then, when Nicole needs to his the bathroom, Jess pulls into a run down rest stop (Hence the name of the movie!). While Nicole is using the facilities, Jess disappears. This is just the start of some really bad horror! It turns out that Jess has, in fact, been kidnapped by an insane killer who drives an old yellow and white pickup truck. So, now Nicole is stranded, miles from help, at this horrid rest stop being randomly attacked by our pickup driver/killer.

Now, that might sound a little thin for a plot line, but that's all there is! Nicole is portrayed as a tough as nails chick, but she never shows the intelligence to actually run away from the rest stop, even after being tormented and tortured, she still hangs around the same place! There's a weird family in an RV, that is supposed to be like the Texas Chainsaw family (I think), and, for some reason, when Nicole comes across other victims, they just vanish. No explaination, no hint that she's losing her mind, they're just gone!

Rest Stop is one of the least scary horror movies I've seen in quite some time. The horror isn't so horrible and they people who we see tortured haven't been on screen long enough to build up any sympathy with the audience...it's a lose, lose situation. I'm giving Rest Stop a soggy, unlit half a cigar, because anything more would be an insult to cigar graphics! So, until next time, when I'll advocate the use of the old fashioned coffee can instead of a grimy rest stop, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Strangeland

When I put the name Dee Snider and the word Strangeland together, you might not be too surprised...even if you don't know that there's a movie by that name! But, potshots aside, I've heard of this movie for a few years now, but was never particularly interested in seeing it, but, after years of being worn down, and hearing fans yell "Captain Howdy!!" at Dee Snider, I had to break down and check it out and, you know what? I actually liked it!



Here's the story: Dee plays Capt. Howdy, an internet weirdo who enjoys body modification (that's piercings and tattoos for you rednecks!) and also dabbles in the torturing of others. Now, what starts as a straight-forward stalker/slasher movie, takes a strange turn when cops catch up with Howdy. Then, Howdy is rehabilitated and returned to the community where the locals string him up, the problem is that Capt. Howdy doesn't die, he's reborn through the near-death experience and he's off again, only this time he's got revenge on his mind too!

For being made in 1996, Dee Snider foresaw the wave of internet predators that we currently enjoy! Capt. Howdy stalks and preys on kids via IMs and chat rooms and then lures them to meetings where he kidnaps and kills them, it's like an R rated version of Dateline: NBC!! I'm giving Strangeland 4 out of 4 cigars,
because I was surprised how much I enjoyed this movie! And I now find myself looking forward to the sequel that Mr. Snider is currently in pre-production on! So, until next time when I'll explain my personal body modifications, I was going to have a 'six pack' installed, but I went for the 'keg' instead, until then remember that the best movies are bad movies!

The Texas Chainsaw Masscre: The Beginning

Most of the time I stick to DVD releases, but when a new Chainsaw hits theatres you'd have a hard job to keep me away! So, it was off to the first showing of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. Now, if you haven't seen it yet, I'll try not to give too much away, but no promises, so read on at your own risk.



So, did I "witness the birth of fear", not really. Here's the basic story: In 1969, in a small Texas town, a slaughter house is put out of business by the state health department. Since this was the towns main economic stream, the town itself is being abandoned, everyone is leaving...well, not everyone, the stubborn Hewitt family refuses to leave the town it's grown up in. The problem is that the Hewitt family is far from a normal family, there's Mama, who we've seen pull an unwanted baby from the slaughter house's dumpster, there's Charlie (her son) who's far from normal, there's Uncle Monty, who seems to just want to be left alone and then, there's the baby who was pulled from the dumpster...young Thomas, who we all know as Leatherface.

Now, since the Hewitts aren't leaving town, that means they'll need something to eat, and since the cattle are gone and the Hewitt's aren't farmers, what else might be plentiful? Could it be travelers?? You got it! And, when four young people travel through the Hewitt's town, you know that it's just a matter of time before dinner is served!

Is this as good as the original? Not by a long shot, I don't think they'll ever match the shock and horror that the original inspired. Is this as good as the Jessica Beil remake? Not really, it's close, but no cigar. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning does offer a couple of things that the original remake didn't. We get to see Leatherface's 'workshop', we see the chainsaw used a whole lot more than we did in the first. R. Lee Ermey's part is significantly bigger than in the first one, in fact, we learn more about the origins of sheriff Hoyt than we do of Leatherface. The real origin we get is the story of the Hewitt family and, just an aside here, I liked the idea that they were the Sawyer family much more than the Hewitts, but we learn why they act the way they do and why they start down the road of cannibalism and killing 'hippies'.

Is this a great horror movie, absolutely, the gore is graphic, the violence is very in your face and the story moves along pretty good once it gets going. Is it a great 'Texas Chainsaw' movie, it could be better. As an aficionado of Texas Chainsaw movies, this one isn't the best, but it isn't the worst either and here in Bad Movie Guy World, a bad Texas Chainsaw is better than a great American Beauty! I'm giving The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning three out of four cigars because I never once jumped or felt like closing my eyes, as I have for most of the other sequels. So, until next time, remember two things, first that the saw IS family and second that the best movies are bad movies!

The Shaft

Now, when you see that I've just watched a movie called The Shaft, I'm sure that you're thinking, Hey, I thought this was Bad Movie Guy.com, not Porn Movie Guy.com! But, don't worry, that's only in your dirty mind. And, I'll try not to do any Bad Mother...shut your mouth jokes, either...I'll try! This movie is actually a horror movie, although the horror isn't what you'd call scary.



Here's the story: In the historic Millenium Building in New York, there's something suddenly wrong with the elevators. They're going to floors no one wants them at, the doors are opening and closing on their own, they're moving way too fast and...oh yeah...they're killing people! Are the elevators haunted? Is some maniac using the elevators to kill people? It's up to an investigative reporter and an elevator repairman to figure out this mystery. The Shaft stars a very young Naomi Watts as the reporter, there I told you everything that's good about this movie.

And while I enjoy looking at Naomi as much as the next guy, there needs to be a little more to entertain me. Ron Perlman is here, Michael Ironside is here, but even they can't make this movie scary. The only part that I found mildly interesting is seeing them talk about a terrorist attack on this 'historic' building in New York in a scene set against a New York skyline prominently featuring the World Trade Center, a little more than ironic and it may have been the only part of the movie that gave me any kind of chill.

But, for an afternoon popcorn movie, it could have been worse. It moves along at a fast pace, the acting is good and there's an evil elevator! I'm giving The Shaft (no that's not a joke!) two cigars, because beside the lack of horror, it still kept me mildly entertained! So, until next time when I'll give the shaft to another movie...or maybe it'll give the shaft to me, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

The Last Man On Earth

I've heard a lot of talk lately about making books into movies and what the film maker owes to the author. Should the movie be exactly like the book? Does the film maker have the right to alter the story dramatically to fit the movie? Well, as long as the movie is good, I honestly don't care a whole hell of a lot! A good movie is a good movie is a good movie, but a bad movie is what I'm all about!! I've heard for years that a 'real' version of the Richard Matheson book, I Am Legend, is going to be made. Well, two versions are already out there, one, the Charlton Heston classis, The Omega Man, is one of my favorites and a 70s classic. The other, I hadn't seen until recently, so let's take a look at Vincent Price in The Last Man On Earth.



If you've seen The Omega Man, then this doesn't hold a ton of surprises, but since it was first, I'll have to assume that people who saw this first said the same thing. Here's the story: Vincent Price is a scientist who's working on a cure to a virus that's sweeping the planet turning people into vampires. Well, they call them vampires, but I saw no blood sucking and no fangs, but I wasn't there, so what do I know. After the planet is overrun by these creatures, the only person left alive is Vincent Price. Now, Vince is on a mission to destroy the vampires that have polutes his planet and he goes out every day with wooden stakes and kills as many as he can. This movie has a pretty slow pace, but it was made in the 50s so give it a break!! The themes of racial divisivenss and the religious overtones are less heavy handed than they were in the Heston version, but they're still there and, honestly, Vincent Price as the potential savior of mankind is a little on the laughable side, you have to admit!

I'm giving The Last Man On Earth two out of four cigars, because, as slow as it moves, it's still a pretty good movie. You've got death, destruction, vampires and a giant hole with hundreds of burning corpses...not unlike the Simpsons Springfield Tire Fire! It's worth checking out if you've never seen it before. So, until next time when I'll out myself as a creature of the night, not because I shun the light, but because I have a really crappy shift, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Grave Of The Vampire

It must be very hard to make a great vampire movie, because there are so many bad vampire movies out there that, if we stacked them one on top of the other, they would probably reach the moon! And speaking of bad vampire movies, let's take a look at the 1974 blood-sucking classing, Grave Of The Vampire!



This movie starts with an interesting premise, what if a mortal woman had a vampire child, a being that was half human, half vampire...and that's where the interesting part of this movie ends! Here's the story: When vampire Caleb Croft comes out of the grave, he's lucky that two teenager lovers are nearby. He attacks and drains the man of blood and rapes the woman in an open grave, leaving her alive and pregnant. The woman gives birth to the child, who doesn't want mother's milk, he wants blood, and in a very weird scene, the woman cuts her breast and feeds the baby 'breast blood'! Flash forward to years later, when the boy is grown and he wants revenge on his father for making him the monster that he is!

This is a mess of a movie, with the vampire not biting his victims but killing them in other ways and then drinking their blood (for example, he stabs one woman to death with a trowel, ala Night Of The Living Dead), and I've seen a lot of vampire movies, but this may be the first featuring a vampire rapist!!! It's all very strange, but not very interesting or scary.

I'm giving Grave Of The Vampire one lonely unlit cigar because the premise is good, if the execution lacked...greatly!! So, until next time, when I'll reveal that I too am looking for revenge on my father for making me the monster that I am...wait, I don't mean monster, I mean asshole! Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Tombs Of The Blind Dead

The more I dive into the realm of B and Cult horror, the more I find that I'm not nearly as smart as I thought I was. There's just too many movies out there for any one person to know them all! So, as knowledgeable as I am...which is often open to debate...I continue to find movies that I've either never heard of, or have never seen before. One of these is the Blind Dead series, from Armando De Ossorio, this four movie series is one that I had never heard of until about three monthes ago and now that I've seen the first one, I can't wait for the rest.



Here's the story: Centuries ago, the Templar Knights turned from God and began worshipping the Devil. To do so, they began sacrificing virgins and drinking their blood to stay alive, the Templars were eventually defeated and hung from a tree as a message to anyone that black magic wouldn't be allowed, as their bodies hung, the crows ate out their eyes, so, when they came back from the dead, you guessed it, they were the blind dead! Now, when people begin roaming around the ruins of the Templars castle, the Templars return from their tombs to drink the blood of the living to stay alive!

While this Spanish movie from 1971 is a bit slow in places, it's entertaining enough to keep me interested throughout...which can be hard with some of these older movies. I'm interested to see where the other three movies take this story, so I'm giving Tombs Of The Blind Dead three out of four cigars and it only lost one cigar because the dubbing is a bit strange (as all dubbing seemed to be at the time) and I'm pretty sure, from seeing the stills and lobby cards that were on the DVD that the version of the movie I saw was edited, there were a couple of places that seemed to be missing something and seeing stills filled in the gaps. The most amusing thing on the DVD version I had is the extra that shows how distributors at the time used a voice over announcer to tie Tombs Of The Blind Dead to the Planet Of The Apes movies, to draw people into the theatre, the movie was retitled Revenge Of Planet Ape and a whole back story is told before the opening titles that after the apes took over Earth, the humans rose up and killed them and cut out their eyes, and now the apes are rising from their graves to avenge themselves and retake the planet. This is typical drive in distributor stuff of the time, and it's very funny now, in our media savy world.

So, until next time, when I'm rewriting the opening of A Christmas Story to tie it into the Texas Chainsaw Massacre continuity, remember that the best movies are bad movies!