Criminally Insane

I've got a growing fondness for exploitation movies from the 70s and 80s, for some reason, these movies are just the best! Low budgets, good acting and very strange stories, and one of the movies that has all of this and more is Criminally Insane.



Criminally Insane was originally titled Crazy Fat Ethel and it's the story of...well...Crazy Fat Ethel. Here's the story: Ethel likes to eat and God help the person who gets between her and what she likes, because they're gonna get hurt...bad! Ethel isn't right and she's just been released from the asylum to live with her grandmother. Now, grandma thinks that Ethel is a little overweight and wants her to diet, when Ethel won't cooperate, grandma locks the cupboard. Now, this irritates Ethel and she tries to break into the cupboards to get at the food, when grandma catches her, it quickly escalates into violence and grandma winds up with a knife in her! Ethel panics, not wanting to go back to the asylum, so she hides grandma and just keeps on living in her house. But now, when a relative comes to visit, things just get stranger and stranger and everyone who gets between Ethel and her food gets the grandma treatment and soon there's a room upstairs that's filled with corpses and they're not getting any fresher up there!

Criminally Insane is a nice little low budget horror movie, and I'm giving it three out of four cigars.

It loses one cigar because it drags on just a little too long, it could have ended about a half an hour sooner and been perfect! Criminally Insane is classic exploitation at it's best!! So, until next time, when I'll tell you about how many people I've had to kill just to keep on my diet, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Hard Candy

Not a day goes by that the news doesn't bring us a story about a child who has met someone on the internet and was either molested or killed, it's a sad fact of our current reality that, for some reason, there seems to be pedophiles around every corner. Now, I could go into a diatribe about blame and responsibility, but I'm not going there, that's just too easy. But, I did just see a movie that will make you think about this topic in ways that you never thought you would. It's called Hard Candy.



Here's the basic story: Haley has just met Jeff online and has decided to meet him in person. Now, that statement has nothing specifically wrong with it, until I tell you that Haley is 14 and Jeff is in his 30s! When we first meet this duo, they're in a coffee shop, with Haley desperately trying to sound and act older and the slick Jeff saying and doing all the right things to slowly reel the little girl in, Patrick Wilson, who plays Jeff, brings just the right amount of sleaze into the role that you really hate him! As they talk and get to know each other, you can see Jeff manipulating the conversation to lure Haley further and further into his trap, which eventually he springs and Haley is in his car and they're on the way to Jeff's house.

Now, while you might be thinking to yourself right about now, "Hey! I thought you were the Bad Movie Guy, not the Kiddie Porn Guy!", let me explain. Hard Candy takes a left turn that will have you both cheering and feeling slightly uncomfortable...at the same time! Director David Slade has crafted a movie that will have your head spinning, Slade turns the tables in such a way that he actively wants you to feel sorry for this predator who gets the tables turned on him. And, if you do start to feel a bit sorry for Jeff, you almost immediately wonder about yourself, feeling bad for this monster! And Haley, the cute girl played by Ellen Page, is she an innocent victim, a friend looking for revenge, or an online vigilante stalking the stalkers?

I'm giving Hard Candy four cigars out of four, because , while you'll feel slightly sleazy yourself watching this, you won't be able to take your eyes off the screen, and, in the end, you'll wonder what it was that you just watched. Is Jeff telling the truth? Is Haley seeking revenge or is she unstable too? This movie poses as many questions as it answers. If you haven't seen Hard Candy, get down to the video store and get it...NOW!!! This movie is an instant classic, and it's a movie that you'll want to watch a second time, I know I did. Hard Candy is one of those movies, not unlike I Spit On Your Grave, that will be misunderstood as misogynistic and anti-woman, but if you pay attention, you'll see that this is a feminist horror movie that every girl (of the right age) should see! So, until next time, when I'll try to not be so cerebral (it just isn't me!), remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Terror Firmer

Now, I've been a Troma fan for years, since The Toxic Avenger came to VHS at my local store, but I have to confess that I fell off the band wagon for a while. Oh, I still considered myself a Troma fan, but just didn't hunt down the movies like a rabid animal, like most Troma fans do. Well, after listening to Fangoria Radio and hearing the hilarious Lloyd Kaufman promoting the 'special edition' DVD of Terror Firmer, I had to see this movie and, once again, I'm back on the Troma band wagon full time!



Terror Firmer is based on the Lloyd Kaufman book, Everything I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger.



Here's the basic story, Lloyd Benjamin (played by Kaufman) is a blind director who's trying to make some art on a low budget, and he's directing a Toxic Avenger movie. Well, the set is just classic Troma, wild rock and roll, naked people running around (male and female) and gross out effects to the max. But, there's a psycho killer on the loose and he's killing off the Troma crew one at a time in strange, strange ways. This is classic Troma! There's a couple of cameos by Lemmy of Motorhead, there's a small part by Ron Jeremy and, if you sit through the credits, there's an hysterical bit hosted by Lemmy, starring Matt Stone and Trey Parker as hermaphrodites...it's not to be missed! I'd give you a better rundown of the movie, but if you're familiar with Troma, and if you're not, you should be, then you'll know that Troma movies are all over the place, from jokes to horror set pieces to sitcom sendups all within the span of just a couple of minutes.

I'm giving Terror Firmer three out of four cigars,
because I don't think this is for everyone, but if you're a low budget or independent film fan and you're not supporting Troma, then you're really not supporting independent film! Troma is the oldest independent studio in the business and Lloyd Kaufman is probably the biggest supporter of up and coming talent in the business!!! So, until next time, when I'll be planning my own independent film, which is really only a ruse to get young chicks topless...remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Sssssss!

Now, before you think that my keyboard got stuck or that it's Bad Movie Guy Stroke time, let me explain, Sssssss! is the actual title of the movie this time!



This 1973 classic starring Dirk Benedict (better known as either Face Man or Starbuck) as a hapless lab assistant and Strother Martin (who did so much TV in the 60s and 70s that you'd absolutely know him, if you saw him!) as a half insane snake scientist. Here's the story: Strother is a herpetoligist (that's a snake doctor, ya'll!), now Strother has just lost an assistant but no one seems to know where he went to, but then, no one seems to care all that much either, remember it's 1973 so when a kid wandered off then they were just called a dirty hippie and we all moved on. So, when Dirk is chosen as Strother's next assistant he is given a series of injections that Strother calls immunizations. In fact, Strother is attempting to turn humans into snakes so that they can survive the oncoming ecological disaster. That's another thing that was big in the 70s, ecological disaster, I think it had to do with Studio 54 being so popular that the rest of the country was sure that the end of days were upon us!

Well, not to ruin the end of the movie, but Strother is bitten, Dirk is changed and cue the shocking horror music! This is your typical 70s schlock, some snakes, some killings, a crazy scientist, his normal and semi-attractive daughter, a handsome yet stupid assistant, we stir that all up and we've got us an honest to goodness horror movie.

This is nothing special, the acting by Strother Martin is excellent but everyone else just seems to be playing along. The snake man makeup is pretty good for the time and the ending is just weird! Let me just say that irony was big in the 70s and this ends in what is supposed to be an ironic twist! I'm giving Sssssss! two out of four cigars, but only because they kill Reb Brown about half way through and any movie with the good sense to jettison Reb as soon as possible, can't be all bad! So, until next time, when I'll be in witness protection from Reb Brown, who's still a very large guy, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

What's Going On?? Why No New Movies This Week?

Well, I've been a little busy this week! I've been working on Rogue Cinema for the past few days. Here's what you can look forward to there. I got the chance to talk to Peter O'Keefe, a great film-maker in Indiana who made a movie called Infidel The Movie, you can read a review of that in this months RC. I spoke with Lance Weiler, who directed The Last Broadcast and is out promoting his new movie, Head Trauma (a review of that is in this months RC too!!). Both of these great independent film-makers were great guys and fun to speak with, I think you'll enjoy the interviews when they go live in October!

I'll also be speaking with Wayne Clingman about October's It Came From Lake Michigan Film Festival(which I'll be attending) about the fest, what will be going on there and some of the movies they'll be showing. And, later today in fact, I'll be getting the chance to talk to the great Lloyd Kaufman of Troma! Lloyd is the king of the B movie and I can't wait to chat with him! And, if I'm lucky, I'll get the chance to catch up with Debbie Rochon. Duane Martin, Rogue Cinema's editor, spoke with her back in April, but Debbie's been pretty busy, she may be the hardest working woman in show business, so it will be fun to see what's going on with her.

So, you see, I haven't been just sitting around...well, I have been sitting around, but I've been busy too!!! So, I'll get back in the saddle either today or tomorrow, I've got a ton of movies on tap, SSSSSSS, Vlad, Paparazzi, Wolf and Cry Wolf, just to name a few that I've got in the old storage bin. So, I'll get back into it asap, but if you need a fix in the meantime, drop on over to Rogue Cinema and until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies!!!

The House At The Edge Of The Park

It seems that you can't go back again, and I guess their right, because the further I dive into B, Cult and Low Budget movies from the late 70s and early 80s, I realize that they just don't make 'em like this anymore! And, the Ruggero Deodato movie, The House At The Edge Of The Park is just the tip of this particular iceberg!



The House At The Edge Of The Park is the perfect 70s exploitation movie, it has it all, here's the story: Alex is a New York scumbag (the worst kind of scumbag that there is, by the way) who does what he wants when he wants to, no matter who gets hurt in the meantime. As the movie opens, we see Alex attack, rape and kill a girl and then just walk away, it's pretty disturbing stuff and the movie's just getting started. Jump ahead in time and Alex and a crony are planning a night out, when into their garage pulls a couple of what would one day be called yuppies looking to get their car fixed on the way to a party. Well, Alex see these people and you can see the wheels turning! I'm sure you can see this coming, Alex and his buddy go to the party, where they eventually take everyone hostage and begin partying as only they can, people are tortured, maimed and humiliated all for Alex's pleasure. You're waiting and waiting for the tables to turn and when they do, it comes quick and in a way that I never saw coming!

As I said, this is the perfect exploitation movie, it has it all, and it does what every great exploitation movie seems to do, it makes you feel slightly uncomfortable watching it. I'm giving The House At The Edge Of The Park four out of four cigars because I can see watching this movie again in the not too distant future! So, until next time when I'll tell you about how my buddies and me like to party, no, we don't attack and humiliate people, we really just get a cake and some beer and sit around watching movies, so the only people humiliated are us, so, until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Cursed

What I'm about to tell you is probably going to have me blacklisted in the horror community, but it has to be said...Wes Craven's Cursed is just not that great a movie. There I said it!



Sure, Wes has given us classic horror movies, the original The Hills Have Eyes, Last House On The Left and, of course, A Nightmare On Elm Street, but he's not above a mis-step or two, for example, A Vampire In Brooklyn or Swamp Thing, so let's just add Cursed to the 'miss' column. Here's the story: Christina Ricci plays a producer for the Craig Kilborn show in L.A. (and yes, this felt like a way to get 'inside' what was supposed to be a 'hip' show at the time, the problem was the Kilborn and his show were nothing but a slave to his giant ego...but that's another article for another time.), when Christina is on her way home one night, her car is hit by an animal causing an accident. While trying to help the other driver Christina and her brother are attacked by a werewolf. Now, we get to the inevitable, they begin to sense changes in themselves, increased strength (allowing the nerdish brother to gain some revenge on the bullies in his school) and heightened senses (setting up a strange sequence where Christina smells 'something good' that turns out to be a colleagues nosebleed.), but it never really goes anywhere good.

There's the obligatory werewolf attack and there's a mildly interesting mystery about who the 'main' werewolf is, because if we kill the first werewolf the curse is lifted. And there's what seems to be a commentary on the place of women in the workplace when Christina and her main romantic rival (a PR woman for Scott Baio who does a cameo) both turn out to be werewolves who appear to be more powerful than the male werewolves, leading me to believe that someone somewhere thought that we'd pick up on the whole 'powerless in the workplace but stronger when they're a monster' theme, which I'm sure probably had something to do with someone's menstrual cycle...but I really don't want to go there!!

I'm giving Cursed one out of four cigars because Wes didn't really bother to build a real werewolf for this dog, all the effects seemed to be CGI, which is just wrong, build the damned monster!! If you're looking for a good werewolf scare, go back to An American Werewolf In London, it's still the gold standard. And, until next time, remember that when there's a fog on the moor and the moon is full, my body hair gets longer and I howl at the TV, but that's mostly because the movie's so bad and, let's face it, I'm a bit of a slob, but until I'm always here to remind you that the best movies are bad movies.

The Fog (2005)

When it comes to remakes I'm torn. Sometimes they seem to take an established franchise and update it (like The Amityville Horror or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and other times it takes a classic movie, something that still holds up today and eviscerates it! That's what they did to The Fog!



The story here is basically the same as the original, a small island that's been around for hundreds of years, the three hundred year anniversary of the founding of the island, a "horrible" secret, the ghosts of lepers seeking revenge...blah, blah, blah! If you're a fan of the original, then this update of The Fog will have you cringing, not in fear, in revulsion. The original offered us a sense of isolation and claustrophobia all while standing in the town's square, this update treats the fog as a character in the movie, it chases people, it forms faces, the fear isn't of what's in the fog, it's of the actual fog itself...until the end of the movie, when we realize that somethings in the fog...it's all quite confusing.

Then, to add to the confusion, one of the main characters is drawn into the fog and we see that she's in pictures from the era where the leper ghosts in the fog are from...are you confused yet? Well, if you're not now, then watch the movie!

I'm giving The Fog a half a cigar and that's only to light my way out of this dark and confusing movie and when I say dark, I'm not talking about the mood, I'm talking about the lack of lighting! So, until next time when I'll show you my script for an update of Jaws, where the shark walks up on land and chases people in a modified 'shark car', remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Web Sites I Can't Get Enough Of!

While I'm surfing around the web, doing my Bad Movie Guy patrol (at least that's what I've told the wife it is!), I come across web sites that I find myself going back to again and again, so I thought I'd share them with all of you. Now, if you've been to these and you've heard of them already, don't get all 'Cooler Than Thou' on me, I ain't some kind of web snob, I just like these sites and I don't claim to be the first to find them!

Dig Your Own Grave.com. This site has a little bit of everything, great games, cool videos and links to other cool sites. Which is where I found the next site I can't get enough of.

How It Should Have Ended.com. This site is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time! It's all how your favorite movies should have ended (hence the name), and I have to admit, I haven't got to all of them yet, it's only because I keep rewatching the How It Should Have Ended of The Blair Witch Project, and I swear I laugh harder every time I see it. This site is definitely worth checking out!

And last, but certainly not least, there's Shock O Rama VOD. Now, VOD is Video On Demand (in case you didnt' know) and on this site, you can watch some pretty cool B movies online! Now, this one's not for the little kids, first the movies are for us grown ups and there's a list of porn in there too, but I have to admit that I'm addicted to this site, I've watched Misty Mundae's Voodoun Blues and Cremains and I'm heading there in just a minute to watch Debbie Rochon in Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! It's a little slice of Bad Movie Guy Heaven!!!

So, until next time, remember that the best web sites are cool web sites and the best movies are bad movies!

The Bad Movie Guy Succumbs To My Space!

I never thought I'd do it, I was sure that it was just for either teeny-boppers (if there is such a thing anymore) or for the weirdoes who want to 'meet up with' the teeny-boppers, but I finally signed up for a My Space account!

Yes, the shame is overwhelming but I intend to maintain my course. I have discovered that people from all walks of life are over there, including film-makers, actors and tons of interesting people, plus I figured that if Lloyd Kaufman (who's in his 60s) can have a My Space account, then I can too...being slightly younger than Lloyd.

So, if you'd like to check me out at My Space Here's a link and if you're looking to 'meet up with' me...forget it!!

Severed: Forest Of The Dead

I always suspect that somethings wrong with a movie when it has to alter it’s title. It’s almost like when you hear that a movie has gone into reshoots, you tend to think that they’re fixing something that they didn’t notice before the production. Well, that’s the issue I had right out of the gate with Severed: Forest Of The Dead, because the original title is just Severed. The ‘Forest’ part was tagged on there to help sell the movie. And, I’ll freely admit, sometimes I can be wrong, this time I was…mostly.



Severed: Forest Of The Dead is your standard issue zombie movie…almost. Here’s the story: A logging company, who is at odds with environmental activists, is using genetics to help trees reach ‘old growth’ stage in a mere three years. The problem comes when a logger who saws into a spiked tree is injured and the sap from the genetically altered tree gets into his bloodstream, turning him into an undead flesh eater. From there on, the horror is on! The logging company sends in a man (the bosses son) to check out why they haven’t been in touch with the camp (which is said to be 200 miles from civilization), he finds a small group of people desperately trying to stay ahead of the zombies while finding a way out of the forest.

The real problem with Severed is that it takes elements from too many other zombie movies. This feels sort of like Dawn Of The Dead, with the logging camp taking the place of the mall, there’s your standard issue characters, the seasoned vet who keeps a level head, the tragically doomed hero, the hot chick who’s also tough and the ever present sniveling coward who gets people around him killed. After a while, this feels like a movie in a loop, it’s all running and staying alive and a lot of the zombie action is done in the ‘shaky cam’ style, which adds a tension to the movie, but also can be confusing at times, I lost what was going on in fights a few times throughout the movie. Then, about half way through, our group of survivors comes across another logging camp, and the movie takes a page from 28 Days Later, the loggers in this camp are sadistic weirdos who enjoy letting zombies into a pen and then killing them in a strange game. And, Severed features the almost-required downer ending, I won’t give it away, but don’t expect to leave the movie happy!

Given the problems I had with Severed, I still enjoyed it, it’s a different take on an established theme, almost like listening to a cover of a song you already like. I’m giving Severed: Forest Of The Dead three out of four cigars because a lot of what happens I can see coming a mile away, there are few surprises, but the ones that are there are very welcome and unique! So, until next time, when I’ll wonder which I’d less like to run into in the woods, zombies or that Blair Witch chick, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Masters Of Horror: Homecoming

When I first heard of the Showtime series, Masters Of Horror, I have to admit that I was less than excited. My first reaction was, ‘Oh, another tired Twilight Zone-ish rip off with these poor directors using their name to just make a little money.’ But after visiting the Fangoria Weekend Of Horror in Chicago last March, my curiosity was peaked. They were promoting the first of the series, Stuart Gordon’s, Dreams In The Witch House, and I got the chance to briefly meet Mr. Gordon and series creator, Mick Garris. So, after seeing several of these, and being completely impressed by both the quality and the style, I find myself still waiting for the other boot to fall and for one of the episodes to be so bad that I feel justified in my skepticism. Well, after seeing the latest, Joe Dante’s The Homecoming, I’m still waiting!




The Homecoming is a zombie movie of a different sort, it’s also biting political commentary. Here’s the story: In an election year, the President (who sounds strangely like George W.) makes a speech and during the speech he wishes that the soldiers who have died in Iraq could come back, so that they could tell everyone themselves that the sacrifice they made was worth it. Well, that wish starts the whole ball rolling, they dead soldiers do start coming back, but it’s not the standard flesh and brains they crave, it’s the vote! That’s right, the fallen soldiers want to vote, which starts a whole web of political intrigue behind the scenes. Now, it’s up to one of the President’s political advisors to set things right, and if he can’t who knows what might happen!

The Homecoming is totally in keeping with the high standards that this series has already set. It takes a standard horror premise and turns it on its head, and while it’s not a scary as some of the other entries, it’s still great fun! I’m giving The Homecoming 3 out of 4 cigars , it lost one cigar because, while I love the sympathetic zombies, I actually think I prefer my horror slightly more scary than this was, still it’s a DVD I’m proud to add to my collection! So, until next time, when I’ll reinvent the werewolf, no longer a slavering, evil beast, now he’ll need to go for a walk twice a day and make a great guard god, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Ab-Normal Beauty

Sometimes it seems that Asian horror is being remade and American-ized so much that it’s just not interesting anymore, but when you see one of these movies, in it’s original form, you realize why it’s such an amazing genre. I just had my Asian horror batteries recharged by watching a great horror movie, Ab-Normal Beauty.



Now, don’t think that this is the perfect horror movie, there are some flaws here, but if you can get past them, like I did, I think you’d enjoy it. Here’s the story: Jin is a schoolgirl whose hobby is photography, when she’s on the scene of a fatal car accident; Jin takes several pictures of the body lying in the street. This sets off an obsession with taking pictures of death and of things dying. We learn that this all stems from a childhood incident where Jin was sexually attacked by her cousin and his friends, this has left Jin afraid of boys and full of self-hatred. As Jin dives more and more deeply into her death obsession, her girlfriend (yes, she’s a Chinese lesbian!) starts to get worried. When Jin crosses a line and finds herself actually wanting to kill a male friend of hers, even she realizes that she’s about to cross a line that she won’t easily cross back from. Here’s where the problem I had with this movie cropped up, just as Jin has worked out her problem and seems to be on the way to turning around, video tapes begin appearing on her doorstep, tapes of girls being beaten and eventually killed. Who’s sending the tapes? The girls suspect only one person and he’s too quickly found innocent.

Ab-Normal Beauty is a good movie, but the end seems sort of tacked on. It doesn’t flow well with the rest of this riveting movie. The journey of Jin through the heart of darkness is compelling and great, but when we get into the last half hour, the movie seems to lose it’s way and, after a satisfying conclusion to Jin’s story, we’ve now been handed the mystery of the tapes!

I’m giving Ab-Normal Beauty two out of four cigars,
because, after watching it, I felt that I had seen a complete movie, plus a little, and the final revelation was less than exciting or satisfying for the audience. So, until next time, when I’ll tell you about the videos that have been showing up on my door…it’s not really a mystery, they’re from Netflix, remember that the best movies are bad movies!