Three...Extremes

So, after seeing and really enjoying Funny Games, I've sort of been looking for more foreign horror movies, and I just found another good one...Three Extremes! This trilogy of J Horror by three prominent directors is, sort of, a Masters Of J Horror, if you will.



Here's what you'll get: The first story (by director Fruit Chan) is called Dumplings and it's a tale of youth and what some people will go through to keep theirs, and while this might conjust images of plastic surgery gone wrong, where this movie goes will make the worst plastic surgery nightmare pale by comparison! Th second story (by director Chan-wook Park) is called Cut. This is the tale of a young director who's held hostage by a psychotic extra, during the course of the hostage situation, everyone does things that they never imagined they would do. The third and final story (by director Takashi Miike) is called Box. Box is probably the most cerebral of the trilogy, this story of a young girl who has recurring nightmares because she accidentally killed her sister as a child turns into something that you'll never see coming!

Personally, I thought that Dumplings was the most consistently cringe inducing of the lot, the other two were good short films too! Three Extremes is the perfect Saturday night horror movie, the stories are quick and to the point and if you want to watch just one, you can watch it within an hour and save the other two for later!

I'm giving Three Extremes four out of four cigars, because once I dove into this movie, I couldn't wait for the next movie! If J Horror is your thing, you're gonna love this one (if you haven't already seen it). So until next time, when I'll reveal my secret to long life (it involves rest, exercise, a healthy diet and NOT DYING!), remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Race With The Devil

For some reason, Satan worshippers were a big thing in the 70s and the movies reflect that. Satan was everywhere, from Rosemary's Baby on down through B movies like The Devil's Rain, it seemed that Satan ruled the 70s. Well, in the process of putting together an article for Rogue Cinema, I've been taking a look at a lot of these 'Satan' themed movies and some of them are really, really horrible. One of these, that I just finished watching is Race With The Devil.



Race With The Devil has all the trappings of a really bad made for TV movie from that era, but it was definitely a theatrcial release, although I think that it really made the rounds of the drive ins...mostly. Here's the story: When Peter Fonda and Warren Oates take their wives on a holiday in one of those new fangled RVs, they stop in a deserted place to have a nice night, but, stumble upon a Satanic human sacrifice. When one of the wives (played by Loretta Swit of M*A*S*H* fame) yells for the men to come to bed, the Satanic cult spots them and begin trying to kill them...in other words, the race is on! Well, for a race, this has a ton of pit stops, the wives have the time to do a little research in a local library and the men spend nearly as much time drinking as they do worrying about the cult that's out to get them.

This is your standard 70s B movie fare, and if you take it for what it is, it's not bad. If you're looking for an action classic, then you should probably wander over to the Bruce Lee section of the video store! I'm giving Race With The Devil three out of four cigars and it only went that high for me because this had so much of the drive in on it that I think I was bitten by a mosquito sitting in my living room! So, until next time, when I'll admit to having been challenged to a race with the Devil, but having to bow out...I pulled a hammy, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Funny Games

Sometimes I watch foreign movies just so I can tell people, "Yes, I was enjoying a German Film yesterday."...you know, just to sound pretentious! But, really, there are actually a lot of great movies out there, that are nearly undiscovered, because most people don't like to read subtitles! Well, let me tell you, sometimes, it's worth doing a little reading to see one of these great, under-appreciated movies. Such is the case with a little German movie, Funny Games.



When I started watching Funny Games, I got the feeling I had been here before. While it's a great psychological thriller, it really seems, on the surface, to be more of the same. Here's the story: A small family travels to their country home to visit some friends. When they discover that their neighbors have visitors, and that their neighbors are acting a bit strangely, they chalk it up to the visitors. Then, one of the strangers knocks on the door, ostensibly to borrow some eggs, that's when things get strange! Suddenly the house is taken over by two psychos who make a bet with the family, they bet that the family won't be alive by 9am the next morning! Now, this might sound like several movies that you've already seen, it's a little different. First, it's such a well made movie that I found myself on the edge of my easy chair through most of the movie, but then something really strange happens. The main evil character speaks directly to us, the audience! Now, this might seem inconsequential, but in the context of the movie, it makes you feel almost like an accomplice and after that initial breaking of the fourth wall, it's almost as if the unease on the screen move directly into your own living room!

Funny Games is at once disturbing and compelling, it's one of the best movies that I'd never seen before! Made in 1997, Funny Games should be available to rent nearly anywhere and it's worth the time! I'm giving Funny Games 4 out of 4 cigars because it's worth the price of the rental, plus a little! So, until next time, remember that if I ever invade your home, it's probably because I smelled something good cooking, just feed me and I usually go right to sleep, and remember that the best movies are bad movies!

The Cave

How many times do I have to say this?? You can make me scared, you can make me sad, you can make me angry, you can do whatever you want when you're making a movie, but, please God, don't bore me!!! That's the problem I had with The Cave.



The Cave is the story about...you got it, a cave! Here's the gist of it: When I scientist discovers a cave under the ruins of a church in the Carpathian mountains, he calls in a group of professional cave explorers (yes, that's what they're supposed to be!) to help him map the cave. The problem comes when, once a mile underground, there's a cave in! Now, can I just take a minute to say that I would never go spelunking, just because in every cave movie I ever saw, there's a cave in that leads to really bad things, and that's what happens here.

After the cave in, our stalwart group has to find a way out on their own, the problem is, there's something else in the caves with them! And, isn't that always the case, doesn't anyone realize that monsters always live in caves?!?!

The Cave is a sort of Aliens like horror movie. There's really nothing here to make it stand out from any other Sci-Fi Channel made for TV horror fest, there's no more gore, there's no more story and it's just sad. I found it very easy to walk away from this movie, and if a movie is good, I'll cancel a meeting with the President to finish it!

I'm giving The Cave one unlit cigar, . and it only got that high a rating because the monsters are pretty cool looking for CGI monsters, and the back story of them is not too bad, other than that The Cave would have me sleeping in my easy chair! So, until next time, when I'll realize that if I watch enough of these kind of movies, I'll be afraid to every leave my house again...not because the movie scared me, but because I might come home with more like them, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Venom

You know, sometimes you see a horror movie and you think to yourself, 'wow, that's pretty innovative and original.' and other times you just say, 'hey, didn't they aready do this?'. The second is the reaction I had to Venom!



Here's the basic story: in a small town in rural Louisiana a voodoo woman has a car accident on a bridge. When a tow truck driver and a kid try to save her and her treasured suitcase, the tow truck driver is thrown off the bridge with the car, the suitcase opens and we find that it's full of snakes! Well, they're not just snakes, these snakes are voodoo snakes, they possess the evil souls of people that the voodoo lady has put to rest. Are ya with me so far? Well, from here on in, it gets WAY easier!

The tow truck driver is bitten by the snakes, all the evil in the snakes is now in him and he's turned into a zombified evil filled killing machine, and who does he go after, you got it, the kids in town! This is just another slasher movie with the killer turned into something slightly different than all the other movie killers!

I'm giving Venom one lonely cigar, only because some of the death scenes were mildly interesting and the special effects weren't that bad for a low budget movie . But, otherwise, I could totally see what was coming up and found myself mildly bored throughout! Venom feels like a movie that was intended as the Sci Fi channels movie of the week and then had some extra gore added to get a DVD release instead, if you're looking for a slasher vs. kids movie, then trot down and rent one of the Friday the 13th sequels or a Nightmare On Elm Street Sequel, save your money on Venom! And, until next time, when I'll think back on Venom and discover that I prefer my Snakes on a plane, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

The Descent

Ordinarily I'll wait for almost any movie to come to DVD before I'll watch it, unless it's one of those 'must see' movies, or it's a franchise that I can't wait to see (i.e. Any Texas Chainsaw movie), but sometimes I hear about a movie so much that I break and head into the theatre to check it out. Most of the time I'm horribly disappointed, but once in a while the movie lives up to the hype and even surpasses it. That's exactly how I felt about The Descent!



When I saw them promoting The Descent on The View, I was sure that this was a chick flick dressed up with some of the trappings of horror and fully expected a lot of talk about the women's 'feelings' and a bunch of 'men bashing'. Boy, was I surprised! The Descent is the story of six women who enjoy going on extreme holidays, this time they're chosen spelunking (cave exploring). The problems start happening when a cave in traps them and the leader of the group tells them that the cave they're in, isn't the cave that they planned on exploring, so no one knows where they are, they're on their own getting out! And, while that might be bad enough, there's something in the cave with them!

To say that this is just your standard horror movie is selling The Descent way short! This movie is very believable because the women in it seem real. There's none of your stereotypical horror movie chicks here, there's no 'tomboy', there's no 'guy crazy chick' and there's not a boob to be seen, it's actually quite refreshing to see actresses allowed to bring realistic characters to life without having to 'pop their top' at some point!

The Descent is one of the best horror movies of the year and while I know those words are tossed around a whole lot more than they deserve to be, this time I actually believe it, The Descent is going to be hard to beat! And, I still can't wait for the DVD release, as I'm told that the original 'non-happy' ending will be on it...and after seeing the movie, if that was the 'happy' ending, I can't wait to see what the director considers to be 'unhappy'!!

The Descent gets a solid 4 cigars out of 4 and if it's still in theatres near you, it's something you should certainly check out for yourself! And, until next time, when I'll tell you the story about my friend wanting to take me cave-diving once...it happened just before I went on the beer and donut diet (DAMN! I'd love to go guys, but I'm just too fat to fit down the hole...what a pity.), remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Favorites That I Can Watch Again And Again!

You know, being the Bad Movie Guy, and writing for Rogue Cinema I get to see a lot of diferent movies, but no matter how many great (and not so great) movies I see, I keep going back to a few movies again and again. Movies that are either really good or movies that are so bad that they're good. I thought I take a minute to recommend some of the movies that I tend to rewatch.

First, and if you know me, you knew this was coming, it's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.



This sequel is a little scarier and a little funnier than the original. Meant to be more of a black comedy than a horror movie, it's as good as the original! This story of the 'Sawyer' family has the cannibal clan travelling the back roads of Texas winning chili cook offs, and the reason their winning is they have a 'secret ingredient' and I dare you to figure out what it might be!

Next, what about The Children!?!



I saw this with a buddy of mine in 1980 on a triple bill with The Fog and Phantasm with The Children stuck in the middle, it was like some bizarre horror and cheese sandwich (with apologies to Brett Piper for the cheese reference!) The Children is the strange story of a school bus that is driven through a radioactive fog and the kids are turned into horrible monsters (just the kids with their fingernails painted black) who only want a hug. The problem is that when they hug you, you burn to death! The Children is one of those movies that's so incredibly bad that it's actually fun.

What about something that's not a horror movie? What about Showgirls?



Now, when this was first released, everyone flocked to the theatre to see the chick from Saved By The Bell nude...well, everyone except me. I have a hard and fast rule, I enjoy boobs as much as the next guy, but I'm not paying my hard earned money to see a picture of them! You gotta give me something else if you want me to see your movie. Well, about two weeks went past and I kept hearing how horrible Showgirls was, and when I bad movie calls, I always answer. So, there I was, with the trench coat crowd seeing Showgirls, and I have to admit, after the initial 'nude shock' wears off (I mean, after about five minutes, when everyone is naked, the novelty wears off quickly!) this story of a strange girl who wants to be a famous showgirl is so over to top hammy that it's not to be missed! Overactors watch this movie in shocked amazement!

How about one last movie, and how about one that you probably never saw? What about Tourist Trap?



Tourist Trap was released at a time when any horror movie could get a theatrical release if it had a star (and I'm using the term loosely there!) Starring Chuck Connors (TV's The Rifleman) as a psychic weirdo who lures people into his...yep...tourist trap and kills them. Is Tourist Trap a classic, not by a long shot, but it's very funny!

Well, those should keep you busy or a day or so, and if you have any movies that you watch again and again, that no one else watches, drop me an email and let me know, if I haven't heard of them, I'd love to watch them! So, until next time, when I'll continue my search for the movies that no one else will watch, remember that the best movie are bad movies!

Movies Vs. Films

I've contended for years that I enjoy movies, not films and I usually hear that I'm arguing semantics, but I'm really not! There's a huge difference to me between movies and films and I thought I'd take a minute to explain to you the difference.

You see, film has been turned into an art form, and, it's always been my experience that art is really there for pretentious people to stand around and talk about how smart they are and how only they can really understand the meaning of the art, and, sadly, that's what film has become! Now, movies, they're just there to entertain us, they're there for no other reason than to distract us from the daily grind for an hour and a half! That's the basic difference between films and movies! But, for those of you who are still a little confused, here's a quick list that will help you spot the differences.

Woody Allen has never, in his life, made a movie!
Spike Lee has never made a movie!
Those two guys work strictly in film.

Paul Verhoven has never made a film, he's strictly a movie guy!
Stuart Gordon never made a film, and George Romero never made a film in his life!
And if you don't know who those three men are...then I pity you, my friend!

That should get you started on the right path, don't stray too far into the dark side or you might find yourself rambling on about the cinematography of a film or how well lit everything is, you know, things that people say when they're desperately trying to sound smart. Instead, let all that crap go, and just sit back and enjoy the movie! After all, that's what they're there for!

Waiting

I know that, here at Bad Movie Guy.com, I tend to focus on horror because (honestly) that's my favorite genre of movie. But that doesn't mean that horror is the only kind of movies that I like, I do, in fact, love comedies too. The problem is that there are so few comedies that are worth watching and, where a bad horror movie is almost a good comedy, a bad comedy is just bad!! So, I thought, as a bit of a Snakes On A Plane palate cleanser, I'd recommend a comedy that you probably didn't see. It's called Waiting and, I have to admit, this one got past me too, and I only saw it after it was recommended to me!



Waiting is probably the Animal House of restaurant movies. The story here is pretty loose, it's basically a 'day in the life of' kind of movie. Ryan Reynolds plays the standard snarky but loveable smart ass and the rest of the cast is just as good. The real star of this movie is the writing! If you've seen this movie you'll know about 'the goat' or 'the bat wing' and if you haven't seen it, then you need to, because after seeing Waiting, those phrases will illicit laughter forevermore!

I'm giving Waiting four out of four cigars because if this doesn't make you laugh, then you might check your pulse, you could be dead! So, until next time, when I'll give you the internet 'goat', remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Assault On Precinct 13

I just got the chance to see the remake of John Carpenter's Assault On Precinct 13 and I have to admit, there are parts of it I like and there are parts of it that confuse me.



This follows the original pretty tightly until the attackers are revealed to be rogue cops, then it takes a slight turn and then veers back onto track until near the end. The basic story is a drug kingpin (played by Laurence Fishburne)who's on the way to prison, when, due to a storm, his bus is rerouted to Precinct 13 to wait out the storm. While at 13, the station comes under attack by people, who we assume are there to break Fishburne out, but are actually there to kill him and everyone in the Precinct. The problem is, Precinct 13 had been decommissioned and is all but abandoned, so the movie becomes a standoff between about 4 cops and dozens of criminals.

Assault On Precinct 13 may be the best remake of a John Carpenter movie that's been done, the problems I had were small ones. Being that I've living in and near Detroit all my life the setting is pretty right on, until the end, when the action moves from the station house into the deep woods of Detroit...now, I'm still looking for the deep woods near the city, I don't think they exist. But, that aside, this is a great action movie. Ethan Hawke isn't bad, for a guy who writes poetry, he's not a bad action hero. Laurence Fishburne is always good, no matter what he's in, and the rest of the cast is great.

I'm giving Assault On Precinct 13 three out of four stars and it only lost a star because I just can't get past the woods thing...it's a mental block! So, until next time, when hopefully I won't be lost in the deep woods of Detroit, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Snakes On A Plane...The Last Time, I Promise!

Forget Pulp Fiction, Adio Jedi and Screw Shaft, in Snakes On A Plane, Samuel L. Jackson is THE MAN! That's right, and he's had it with these M^#$@F*@#ing Snakes on this M^#$@F*@%in Plane!



What's it about? Well, it's just what you think it is, Snakes...and they're on a plane, but there's a bit more to it than that. You see, Sam is escorting a witness from Hawaii to L.A. to testify against a mob boss, and, since security is too tight to get any real weapons on the plane, our boss comes up with the idea of getting hundreds of venomous snakes on the plane and then making them hyper aggresive using pheromones. Now, all the snakes are attacking, the plane is over the Pacific and there's no turning back. If you take this movie for what it is, a great b movie, then it's one of the best of the past year!

Snakes On A Plane has a bit of everything, there's action, there's a bit of romance and lots of death by snake...yep, any part of your body that you might think could be painful if bitten by a snake get it, and when I say 'any part', I think you get my meaning!



I'm giving Snakes On A Plane four cigars out of four, because you'll be repeating these lines, and there's a lot more than the "I've had it..." line. There's "Praise The Playstation 2!", "Who's Your Daddy Now, Bitch!" and "Get This Snake Off My Ass!" believe me, the Bad Movie Guy, if you love drive in movies, you'll love Snakes On A Plane. So, until next time, when I'll talk about the sequel I'm writing, where a platoon of trained mongooses in a plane of their own fly up to attack the snakes on their plane, I'm calling it More Than Snakes On This Plane, remember that the best movies are bad movies.

Are You Ready For These M*&@&F$%@#ing Snakes On This M^@%F&@#ing Plane?

That's right!! It's S.O.A.P Day! The Ol' Bad Movie Guy is about as happy as a little girl during a Backstreet Boys concert! Now, I keep hearing people saying, "Yeah, but it's gonna be a bad movie.", well, isn't that kind of the point?!?

What do you expect from a movie called Snakes On A Plane?? High Art?? Hell NO! Just entertain me for an hour and a half and you've already beaten alot of the crap that's out there! Trust me, this movie has become such an internet phenomenon that it will be the "Blair Witch Project" of the year (although hopefully it won't suck as much as Blair Witch did!), everyone will be talking about it, every TV show will be making the jokes and if you haven't seen it, you'll be left out.

So, if you haven't been planning on it, get there today!! And if you still aren't sure, I'll be reporting back here asap about the movie just to keep everyone up to date. And, if I don't make it out alive, maybe that's the sequel, Snakes In A Theatre Showing A Bad Movie!

Snakes On A Plane...The Music!

So, in my quest to participate in all things 'Snakes On A Plane-ish', I just bought the soundtrack. Now, my plan was to listen to it and then review it, but I can't get past the first track!



Not that it's bad...just the opposite. I can't get the damn song out of my head now!! I just keep hearing it over and over, along with Samuel L. Jackson cursing those aformentioned reptiles. I will delve deeper into this cd, but not before I listen to track one...just one more time!


,
Snakes On A Plane (Bring It) by Cobra Starship gets 4 cigars but only until I can get it out of my skull!!!

Movies I'm Looking Forward To On DVD!

I'm not a big going to the theatre guy, unless it's one of those 'event' movies, like this Friday's Snakes On A Plane, or if the movie will just look better on the big screen, like one of the Star Wars movies. But, generally, I prefer to wait for the DVD release, that way I can choose which version I want to watch (I almost always go for the unrated edition) and I can be comfortable while I watch it. One of the main reasons (I feel) that most people my age have forgone the theatrical experience is because I want to see the movie, not listen to some dumbass in the back row who thinks it's Mystery Science Theatre...just a note to you guys, you're not funny, so shut up! So, in the spirit of not starting fights in public places (which I have been known to do over this annoyance), I try to stick to DVDs. And, there are a few that I can't wait to see.

Hard Candy - This story of pediphilia gone wrong (is that an oxymoron or what??!!) is supposed to be the horror movie of the year!

Feed - This tale of perverts who find it arrousing to over feed women who are so overweight that they can't leave the bed, until they eventually feed them to death is another movie that's not gory, but so disturbing that is had a hard time finding a distributor in the U.S. That's always a good sign in Bad Movie Guy World!!

Masters Of Horror: Imprint - This Takashi Miike episode of the acclaimed Showtime series was too twisted for American cable TV!!! And I'm talking about pay cable, not basic, so I gotta see what's so bad that Showtime would drop the episode. Plus, I'm a huge fan of Miike's other movies (Audition being a personal favorite).

Zombie Honeymoon - This tale of a woman so in love with her husband that she can't bear to lose him, even after he becomes an undead ghoul, just looks like a low budget classic!

Rooms For Tourists - On the surface this looks like
Hostel, but, from what I've read about it, this is a much better movie that Hostel. Forgive me all you Hostel fans, but Hostel was only marginally better than Eli Roth's first movie, Cabin Fever...which wasn't hard to manage because Cabin Fever SUCKED!!!

Ilsa, She Wolf Of The S.S. - Now, this is out there somewhere and it's fast becoming the holy grail for the ol' Bad Movie Guy. I've looked high and low and this movie (and it's sequels) are so hard to find that it's gone from 'looking for a movie' to 'righteous quest'!

There's just a few of the movies that I'm either looking for, or looking forward to. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to email me, or just leave a comment. I'm always on the lookout for movies that are different, low budget or just bizzare, and if you've seen one, let me know. Or, if there's a movie that you've heard of or always wanted to see, but figure that it sucks, let me know about those too...after all, it's my mission in life to be the body armor that provides the protection so that these bad movie 'bullets' don't get to you!

The Last Broadcast

So, being the the enviable position of being the Bad Movie Guy, sometimes I get to see movies a little ahead of the rest of the population...just one of the perks. And, I've just learned that I'm going to be allowed to see a movie by the director of the 1998 movie, The Last Broadcast.



I went back and re-watched The Last Broadcast and I have to say, it's a much better movie that I remembered it being! This movie is basically The Blair Witch Project, except it's done well! The Last Broadcast is the story of a crew from a local public access cable show that goes in search of the Jersey Devil. They take a sound man and a so-called psychic with them. When the only person to emerge from the wilderness alive is the psychic, he's charged and convicted of the murders of the others.

The Last Broadcast is a great movie, it's exactly what the Blair Witch Project wanted to be but didn't manage to be! I'm giving The Last Broadcast 4 cigars out of 4 because it kept me on the edge of my seat through the whole movie. I really think that if you're looking for something to watch over the weekend, The Last Broadcast should be on your list! So, until next time, when I'll unveil my own documentary, it's about my life and it's mostly footage of me sitting in my recliner...sleeping, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Bite Me!

Now, I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again...until someone tells me to shut my mouth, I loved the Drive Ins! I loved everything about them, from the crappy metal speakers that you had to drag into your car to the hot dogs that had probably been spinning on that plate since the Jurrasic era, I loved it all, and I miss it too! Why am I rehashing ground that I covered before? Well, because I just watch Bite Me!, a movie that the drive in was made for!



I've got to hand it to EI Cinema in general and writer/director Brett Piper specifically, Mr. Piper captures the feel of a drive in movie better than anyone on the planet. And, while to some that might seem like an insult, I've spoken with Mr. Piper and I know that he would take the commment as it was meant, as a compliment of the highest order!

Here's the story: When a small town strip club owner buys some imported marijuana to resell, he doesn't know that it's been tampered with by the U.S. government and that it's crawling with mutant bugs. Once the bugs are freed in the club, it's up to the strippers and a lone exterminator to save the day...and the world!

Bite Me! recalls all the best things that the drive in had to offer us, there's action, there's horror, there's gore, there's stop motion special effects (none of the cgi crap here!), there's plenty of T & A and (first and foremost) it's just an entertaining movie! I'm giving Bite Me! four fully lit, great quality cigars (the kind you could have smoked in your car at the drive in watching great movies like this), if you haven't seen it, you certainly should spend a Saturday afternoon enjoying it!

So, until next time, when I'll still be sitting here whining about the Drive In and how much I miss it, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector

It seems to me that there are people who love Larry The Cable Guy and people who hate Larry The Cable Guy, but there aren't man in between, and Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector isn't going to sway the fans or convert anyone else!



Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector is exactly what you'd expect it to be, an hour and a half of rude comments, fart jokes and the usual one liners. Now, I'm a fan of Larry The Cable Guy, so I thought this movie had it's moments. Is it going to win any awards? Nope, but since when does a comedy have to be anything but funny?? And Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector is every bit as funny as any other comedies being put out today.

Oh, it may not be a high brow Woody Allen comedy, but this one has something that Woody Allen comedies lacks, it actually had a few laughs in it!! It's not the funniest movie I've seen, but then it's far from the worst. I'm giving Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector two and a half out of four cigars , because, as they say, it is what it is, if you like Larry nothing I say will keep you from checking it out and if you hate Larry nothing I say will convince you to rent it, so be your own judge. Personally, I thought it was a bit long, but still I laughed a few times and that's all I ask from a comedy. So, until next time, when once again I'll do my best to live up to the title Bad Movie Guy and 'Git R Done', remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Final Destination 3

The original Final Destination was one of the most innovative and original horror movies in years...but then, as is usually the case in these things, the sequel fell a little short. Not to say that I didn't enjoy it, but it really did suffer sequel-itis, that disease that makes a movie feel like it was made for the money and not for the great story. Now, with Final Desination 3, the guys who started the series, return. Glen Morgan and James Wong have written a sequel that's acutally worthy of the original!



Now, you're going to be familiar with the story (to a certain extent), kids who have dodged fate due to a 'psychic' flash from a class mate have to figure out a way to defeat death itself!! That might sound way too close to the original, but there's enough different here, and the performances are strong enough that I was on the edge of my easy chair through the whole movie!

I'm giving Final Destination 3, 4 fully lit cigars because it totally deserves it! It's the rare part three that equals the original in all respects. The only issue I had with the movie was the 'Choose Your Fate' feature on the DVD, it seemed that no matter what 'fate' I chose, I went back to where the movie was and it continued on in the same way, no matter what I chose. On one hand, I understand that filming all those different movies would cost a ton of money, I really expected more from this highly promoted feature...but, that said, it really didn't take away from my enjoyment of the movie. And, if you want to get realy cerebral, you could say that you can't dodge fate, no matter what you choose to do...in other words, death will not be denied! Way too deep for me, I'll just stick with, bad DVD extra!

So, until next time, when we'll discover that if death is stalking you, just stand completely still, it hunts by sight and it won't see you if you don't move...no...wait...that's a T-Rex, I guess you can't dodge death, after all, so until you die, just remember that the best movies are bad movies!

My DVR, Is It A Blessing Or A Curse?!

DVR may be the greatest invention, since that individual packet Kool-Aid stuff! It allows me to keep my very weird hours and still not miss any of the TV shows I want to see! But, as Spiderman reminded us, with great power comes great responsiblity, and with the DVR (as great as it is) comes a problem that I'm not sure even I can surmount!

Currently in my DVR is stored 8 hours of the Steven King mini-series, Nightmares And Dreamscapes, The Cave, The Fog, Venom, about two hours of professional wrestling (yes, I love it!!) and about 6 hours of the Cartoon Network (Oh, just because I watch cartoons and you don't that makes you better than me!?!?!). So, all told, there's about 22 hours worth of things that I want to watch, stored on my hard drive...and it's still not even 50% full!! I find myself having an 'embarassment of riches'. In another week or two, I may have to take vacation time, just to watch everything I have stored on my DVR!! And, I don't store everything on there, I've actually gone through and deleted movies that I wanted to see (or re-see) before I ever got the chance to watch them, just to make room for other movies that I haven't seen yet! I deleted without watching The Fog (the original), Gunmen (a great movie starring Mario Van Peebles and Christopher Lambert) and who knows how many episodes of Law And Order, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who and I don't even want to think about it anymore...it's just too depressing.

So, while I love the DVR, it haunts me! Even now, I hear it's siren call, 'Come watch what I have stored for you.' 'Don't you want to see these great movies?' "Why do you ask me to record these movies, if you're never going to spend any time with me?'. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'Wah! Poor Brian, he's got too many movies to watch. Wah!' Well, it's my curse and I'll bear it, and eventually, I'll get all those movies watched. I just pray that I don't get the carpal tunnel syndrome from using the remote before that happens!!!

Godzilla: Final Wars

When I was but a small child, the Bad Movie Kid, if you will, one of the TV stations in the city I grew up in, would show movies in the afternoon. Now, this was waaayyyy before syndicated series took over most local TV, and about once every three or four month, my local station had a "Godzilla Week", a week long festival of every Godzilla movie that they could afford to show! It was a week when I would leave school, run past any and all friends who might be waiting on the playground and head directly for home! If I ran fast enough, I could get home, get all my snacks in place and be ready for the Godzilla movie of the day...and, it may have been the most exercise I actually got as a child.

Well, now, as an adult, I found myself wandering through Wal-Mart and what do I spot in the DVD section? You got it, a brand new Godzilla movie, Godzilla: Final Wars.



Supposedly the last Godzilla movie that Toho will produce for at least ten years, Godzilla: Final Wars is perhaps the best Godzilla movie I've seen in years...and yes, I've seen them all! Here's your basic story: In the future, aliens are attempting to take over Earth. Why? Because that's what movie aliens do! The aliens plan is to use all the giant monsters that Earth has defeated in the past, in cooridinated attacks to beat the citizens of the planet into submission. So, it's up to one group of mutants to travel to the North Pole, where Godzilla has been in cold storage, and revive the Big G to battle these monsters and, once again, save the planet!

Seems pretty simple, well, when it's a Godzilla movie it doesn't need to be too complex. This is Godzilla battling nearly every monster that he's fought in the past, at one point, Godzilla even takes on the crappy American Godzilla and beats him soundly! If you're a Godzilla fan, Final Wars is any Godzilla fans wet dream and it's a good movie if you're just a sci-fi fan. I'm giving Godzilla: Final Wars four cigars out of four because if this is the end of our giant lizardic friend, then it's a great way to go out, however, I figure that, as good as this movie is, there's bound to be an outcry for more...at least from me.

So, until next time, remember the reason that the Japanese are so much more effiecient than us, is that they've spent years rebuilding all that Godzilla damage until they've got engineering and construction down to an art form. And remember that the best movies are always bad movies!

Robot Jox

Now, if you know me, and by now you should be getting close, you know that I'm a big fan of Stuart Gordon. I own multiple copies of Re-Animator and it's sequels, I loved his first contribution to the Masters Of Horror series and if there's a modern day master of adapting H.P. Lovecraft, he's the guy! But, back in 1990, there was one movie that I'm sure Mr. Gordon would rather take off the old resume...Robot Jox.



Robot Jox is set in the far future, where countries no longer have wars, they build giant robots and battle over territory instead...that's perfectly sensible, don't you think? Well, when America's number 1 Robot Jock accidentally kills some spectators he has to bow out of a particularly big battle for Alaska. Will the bad guys grab the territory of Alaska or will Achilles conquer his personal demons and return for the final Robot battle??? I guess you'll just have to watch for yourself to find out!

For as great a director as Stuart Gordon is, this movie is a mis-step of the highest order...I mean, giant fighting robots? What could he have been thinking?!?! So, I'm giving Robot Jox 1 lone cigar, but only because I love the rest of Mr. Stuart's work! And I'm really looking forward to House Of Re-Animator...which is currently in development!

It's Robot Jox and it might even insult the intelligence of a Transformers fan (sorry, Jordan). So, until next time, when I'll pitch my own script, in which, in the far future, governments breed giant dogs instead of fighting wars, I'm calling it Dog Show Jox! Until then, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Where Have All The Local Hosts Gone?

Now, I'm probably dating myself here, but when I was young, there was nothing better than a Saturday afternoon, sitting in the living room, watching a really bad horror movie, hosted by Sir Graves Ghastly. Sir Graves was our local 'horror host', every Saturday, Sir Graves would pop up out of his coffin (which sat precariously propped on two saw horses) and show all us kiddies whatever b horror movie the station had the rights to show that week. Sir Graves held my hand through all the Frankenstein movies, all the Wolfman movies, a couple of zombie flicks and I can't count how many other ghouls and ghosts.

Now, why am I telling you about this? Well, it seems that the kids today don't have these guys! Who will show the youth of America Michael Landon in I Was A Teenage Werewolf, if Sir Graves and his ilk won't? Who will tell those cheesy jokes in between commercial segments to fill out two hours of air time during a 90 minute movie?

Will the children of today grow up not knowing the joy of the b movie? First the 'horror host' vanished, then the drive in all but went away...I have to admit that I fear for the future. So, this is for all you parents, aunts, uncles, friends...whoever, it's up to us to make sure that the children of today aren't totally consumed with the video games and the MTV, it's up to us to make sure that they're exposed to Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney Jr. and all the great monsters of history. So, there's your assignment, it's up to us to make sure that future generations see and appreciate these great movies!

The Hills Have Eyes

You've all heard me say it, I'm not a fan of remakes for the sole purpose of updating the special effects. If I saw a giant monkey fall from the Empire State building in 1933, I get it, it doesn't have to be a cooler looking ape in 2006 to interest me in the story!! But, when a remake updates the story (slightly) and changes some things around and uses better special effects, I'm willing to give it a chance. That's the case with the updated version of The Hills Have Eyes.



The new version of The Hills Have Eyes is not all that different than the original, but it's far more gritty and the makeup that can be used today makes the 'monsters' a lot more frightening than they were in the original. Still, the basic framework of the story is the same, a family, lost in the desert, is attacked by evil, homicidal mutants. This version, though, seems to be a little grittier than the original and the violence is more intense that I remember it being in the original.

The fact that Wes Craven gave his blessing to this remake took some of the curse off it (sort of), and the fact that director Alexandre Aja was a big fan of the original helped too!

The Hills Have Eyes is just a great old fashioned horror movie, good guys wander into the wrong place, bad guys attack for really no reason and good guys got to get tough or die, it's a drive in movie with a big budget!



I'm giving The Hills Have Eyes three and a half cigars, and it only lost that half cigar because there were times when I felt that the story was dragging a little. If you've never seen the original, this is probably a much better movie, but, as far as remakes go, I've seen a whole lot worse!!! So, until next time, remember, when you're lost in the desert, make sure to have plenty of gas in the car, those old abandoned gas stations are always owned by evil guys who are working in collusion with mutants of some sort...and remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Bubba Ho Tep

Every once in a while something comes along that's so different that, even after just hearing a description, you know you have to see it! That's what you should feel when you hear the description for Bubba Ho Tep!



Here's the short story: An old Elvis and JFK, who live in a Texas retirement home, battle an Egyptian mummy for the souls of the people in the rest home. Now, if you're interest isn't peaked by that, then let me just say, it's set in the current day, Bruce Campbell (in a tour de force) plays the old Elvis and Ossie Davis is JFK...and yes, I know that Ossie's black...it's part of the charm of this movie!

Bubba Ho Tep is the first product of the bizarre union of Don Coscarelli and Joe R. Lansdale, and I hope that it's not the last. You really have to see Bubba Ho Tep to understand, it's part horror movie, part comedy and totally entertaining! It's a crime that Bruce Campbell wasn't nominated for any awards for his portrayal of Elvis with a walker, it just proves what we all already know, Bruce is a top shelf actor stuck with a b movie reputation.

The best news about Bubba Ho Tep is that there is a sequel in the planning, Bubba Nosferatu, and I've even heard that Paul Giamatti will play the role of Colonel Tom Parker because he's a big fan of both Don Coscarelli and Bruce Campbell! I, for one, can't wait!



Bubba Ho Tep deserves all four cigars that I've given it, if only for the line from Ossie Davis as JFK, when asked by Elvis why he's black, his reply is, "It's a conspiracy, they dyed me this color!", it just doesn't get better than that! So, until next time when I'll reveal my personal red-neck roots, and will begin calling myself Bubba Bad Movie Guy, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

The Exorcism Of Emily Rose

When is a horror movie not a horror movie? When it's a court-room drama!! That's basically The Exorcism Of Emily Rose. Now, you might be getting the idea that I hate this movie, and you'd be wrong, I just don't think that it really belongs in the horror section of the video store.



The Exorcism Of Emily Rose is probably one of the best 'non-horror' horror movies I've ever seen. Now, are there horror elements to this movie? Absolutely! Is it a horror movie? Absolutely Not! This is based on a real life Canadian criminal case, where a young girl was starved to death while her local priest was 'exorcising' the demons from her body. The great thing about this movie is that it doesn't take sides, you get to see both sides of the story. The viewer isn't sure if Emily is actually posessed or if she's got a mental disorder, and while that may sound like a bad thing, it really isn't!

As horror movies go, The Exorcism Of Emily Rose isn't the scariest movies I've ever seen, but as far as movies in general go, this is one of the best I've seen in quite a while! The producers of The Exorcism Of Emily Rose did something that most movie producers today don't do...HIRE WRITERS! I can't recommend The Exorcism Of Emily Rose enough, this is a great movies that is well worth the price of your rental!



I'm giving The Exorcism Of Emily Rose four fully lit cigars, because as movies go, it really doesn't get a whole lot better than this! So, until next time, when I'll reveal that after I was exorcised, the priest deemed me un-redeem-able and wrote me off as a 'spawn of satan', but, at least after all the exorcising, I remember that the best movies are bad movies!!!