How DVD Made Me Lazy-er!

In the old days, I used to head on down to the local theatre at least three times a week…and that's not an exaggeration! I saw more movies when I was younger than I could possibly count. My friends and I would have seen all the main-stream movies by Sunday, so by Tuesday we'd be going to see anything just to see something different. We'd see double and triple features, head down to the drive in for all night festivals, any movie thing, we were there. My point being that since I've got a DVD player, I can count on one hand the times I've headed down to the local Cineplex to see a movie. Literally, one hand! Now what does that say about me? Well, it says that I'm predisposed to being lazy to start with but the DVD player has made me even lazier…if that's possible!

You see, all that going, even to see movies, was at least doing something, now, with Netflix and a DVD player, I don't even have to leave my house to see movies, if I don't want to and, most of the time, I don't want to. So, I've had to make a concerted effort to get out there and do things, mow the lawn, head down to the gym, even chasing the kids offa my damn lawn is good exercise…and I'm getting closer to catching the little bastards too, since I've been weaning myself off of daily DVD viewings.

Is it DVD's fault that I got lazier? Hell, yes! If I had to go to the movies more often, then at least I'd be going out, but since I got the DVD, I don't like to go outside, the light hurts my little pink eyes! Does this mean I'm going to stop watching movies on DVD? Hell, no! DVD is the coolest invention since sliced bread in my opinion, even if the slicing of the bread did make the sandwiches smaller, it did make them easier to make! So, I'll force myself to get out there and do things, but rest assured that all the while, I'll be hearing the siren song of the DVD player in my ear. It's always singing, "Brian. We've got a new movie to watch. You know you want to sit in your big comfy chair and let me sooth you with a bad movie. Just give in toccasionally will, occaisionally, but I'll fight it as much as I can. After all, I don't want to be one of those guys who can't get out of the house without calling a construction crew!

They Must Eat!

Last night I had the chance to attend a premiere of a movie by a local group called The Skeleton Factory. The movie was called They Must Eat and for a locally made, low budget movie, I have to admit that this was pretty good.

The acting was good, especially the lead actor who played Samuel, the makeup effects were incredible, the monster makeup was top shelf! The story was a little on the old side, here it is:

Samuel is a loser who goes to stay with his Uncle Alistair, not knowing that his uncle has a secret! You see, Uncle Alistair's been keeping a group of ghouls at bay for years by feeding them the human flesh that they crave. When Alistair dies, it falls to Samuel to continue the feedings. And, as the story goes on, Samuel trains these ghouls to kill on command. This is basically Willard mixed with a little bit of Night Of The Living Dead. While the movie isn't bad, it felt like it was about a half an hour too long. Samuel kills people that he dislikes, but it feels like he kills about three too many people, it's as if the film makers wer hammering the point home a bit too much.



Overall, They Must Eat is pretty good, if you get the chance to see it, I would take it. I'm giving it a solid three cigars, if they tightened it up, it would make it all the way to a fourth cigar! I'd tell you where to get this or where to see it, but I'm not sure, you can check out showtimes at The Skeleton Factory's web site if you're in the Detroit area and you'd like to check it out for yourself. So, until next time, when I'll pitch my own movie, a blend of Road Warrior and Jumanji, it's like a road movie, but all the vehicles are driven by animals, and remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Summertime And The Movies Are Easy!

When it gets to be summer time, they say that the livin' is easy, but I have to disagree! When it's so hot that I'm making my own gravy, it's not that damn easy!!! So, when it gets so hot that Satan himself is complaining about the heat, what do we all do? That's right, head to the movies!

Well, say you can't get to a theatre, but you still want a movie that will make you feel that cool. I've got just the movie for you! It's John Carpenter's The Thing, and if this movie doesn't send a chill down your spine nothing will!



The Thing is the story of a group of people trapped in the Arctic slowly being killed by an alien who can replicate any form it touches. The men fight to make sure that the thing (of the title) never makes it to a warm climate, where it would take over the planet in very short order. This movie is claustrophobic and freezing! Everything that isn't covered in gore is covered in ice, so you're guaranteed to be chilled one way or another.

It's called The Thing and if you haven't seen this classic 80s horror, then you need to go rent it asap! And until next time, when I'll reveal that I'm actually a shape shifter...no wait, I'm just putting on weight!! But, remember that the best movies are bad movies!

Bad Movie Guy On The Radio!

Okay, so most of you don't know this, so consider this a confession. I'm not always the Bad Movie Guy, I actually have a day job in radio and on the weekends I run the nationally syndicated, The C.A.R. Show, a great show for all the gear-heads out there who love cars, or just for someone who has trouble and wants to get some expert advice. Well, when Steve, Roger and Dan found out about my alter-ego they wanted me to do a bad car movie review each week!

To say I was excited is an understatement, this is very cool, the guys are great and I get to watch a ton of extra bad movies, which is fun for me! If you're interested in listening in, check The C.A.R. Show website for your local listings, or you can listen in the Detroit area on 760am WJR or if you're too lazy to look up your local affiliate, then you can listen in on Sirius 125 live at 9am on Saturday mornings!

Check it out and remember, even if it's about cars, the best movies are bad movies!

Want to listen for yourself, click here!

Bad Movie Guy On The Car Show from
6/10/06

Re-Runs, Re-Makes and Re-Imaginings! Can Someone Get A New Idea??

Lately, it’s seemed like my life has been one big déjà vu, which we all know is Latin for ‘backwards head’. It was made popular by the ancient Greek tragedy, “The Exorcist”, where, apparently, some little girl is constantly turning around or something, I’m not really sure, I’m really not versed in the classics! Anyway, it seems like I’ve been here before. There’s a President Bush…AGAIN. He’s prosecuting a war in the mid-east…AGAIN. There’s a whole butt-load of horrible patriotic music on my radio…AGAIN. And, I’m wearing the same pants…AGAIN…well, not really again, that’s more of a STILL, it seems that I have issues with throwing things away, no matter how ratty and torn they are, but that’s another column for another time!

So, back to business, I thought that I’d tell you about a couple of movies that I saw and liked and then remembered why I like them. I’d already seen them before! No, I’m not a victim of early on-set Alzheimer’s, but it’s possible that there’s an epidemic of it in Hollywood. First, let’s talk about a Kevin Costner atrocity called Waterworld. It’s the story of a loner (Kev) with a really cool vehicle, who’s trying to save a small outpost of civilization from a band of freakish outlaws in a post-apocalyptic world. Sound familiar? Well, it does if you saw the Mel Gibson movie, The Road Warrior! The difference is that Mel’s movie was set in rural and deserted Australia and Kev’s movie is all on the water! So, you see the difference? Kevin can swim anytime he wants, while Mel has to drive to the ocean. Kevin has a really cool souped up boat, while Mel has a really cool souped up car. So you can see that they’re totally different, Mel’s movie is dry, while Kev’s is wet, and….well, that’s really it, one’s dry and the other’s wet.


Waterworld gets a pathetic one cigar...and that's laying in the gutter!


The Road Warrior gets a perfect 4 cigars, I can still watch it over and over!




Now, you’d think that that would be the only movie that had a more than coincidental resemblance, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be wrong! What do you think when I say, ‘a group of horny high school boys who will do anything to “get some”. I know, like most people today, you’re thinking, American Pie…well, if you’re like me, and hopefully you’re not, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone…you’re thinking, Porky’s! Now, I’m a little shaky on this one, because about half way through American Pie, I fell asleep. You see, once I realized where AP’s plot was going; it just didn’t interest me anymore! So, I don’t really know how it ended, but I imagine that it was with all the kids finally ‘getting some’ and then a psycho in a hockey mask with a chainsaw comes into town and hacks them all to pieces. Now, I’m pretty sure that that was just a beautiful dream, because I saw there was an American Pie 2 and then sadly, American Pie 3, called American Wedding. Well, let me just say four words about the sequels to this horrible movie…Porky’s 3: Porky’s Revenge!! Live In Fear!!!



American Pie gets a sad two cigars, I actually fell asleep during it!


Porky's bored me too, but at least it had some originality to it! 2 cigars.


Alright, so you’re thinking, maybe we’ve just running out of earth-bound plots, what about outer space, surely there’s an infinite number of plot in outer space…well, you’d be wrong! Remember what they say in Hollywood, “In Space No One Can Hear You Plagiarize”! There are at least two space-related movies that fit the bill here. The first, stars Gary Sinise who plays an astronaut with a ‘Mission To Mars’. This is the story of a group of astronauts making a trip to Mars to find the crew of a previous mission who’ve gone missing. The first half of this movie is pretty original, the setup and the trip to the red planet, but once they arrive, things begin to feel pretty familiar. Strange things begin to happen, there’s a giant monolith, and one of the crew will have the secrets of the universe revealed to them. Sound familiar? Well, it does if you’ve ever seen 2001 : A Space Odyssey.


Mission To Mars is one of those movies that thinks it's smarter than it is! 1 cigar!


2001: A Space Odyssey is one of those movies that's smarter than me, I'll be damned if I could understand what the hell was going on most of the time. 3 cigars because I'm sure that it's better that I think it is!


Then, there’s War of the Worlds, the classic story of invaders from Mars that come to take over the earth. They destroy buildings, the military can’t beat them and they seem to be indestructible. The world seems to be about to meet its doom, when suddenly someone realizes that the aliens are vulnerable to viruses. The virus kills the aliens and the earth is saved. Hooray! Good story, eh? It sure was in the 1898 when H.G. Wells wrote it, and then again in 1938 as a radio play and then again 1953 and in 1988 when it was turned into movies! Well, if you update the story, mostly by just adding computers, and call it Independence Day, you’d get a ‘brand new’ movie in 1996. That’s right, the only real difference is computer special effects, a computer virus and Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum, who I’m pretty sure at this point are computerized and I think you’d agree, these movies smell suspiciously the same!


Independence Day is a great action movie, it's just too bad that it wasn't a tad more original! 3 cigars.


The original War Of The Worlds kept me wildly entertained as a kid! 3 and a half cigars, and they rating would be higher if it didn't remind of Tom Cruise now!


So, there you go, everything old becomes new again…with the obvious exception of me! And, until the next time we meet, which will hopefully be at the premiere of the new movie I’m writing, it’s about these two dancing fighter pilots, who’re on the ‘ragged edge’ who see dead people holding hostages in high rise buildings. I’m calling it, “Footloose Top Gun’s with a Sixth Sense who Die Hard for a Lethal Weapon”. It’s an original story I’m just making up off the top of my head, I think it’s gonna be huge! Anyway, until the huge New York premiere, I’ll be right here coming up with new ideas and new innovations, boldly going where no web page has gone before…where have I heard that before??

Lollilove

When Lloyd Kaufman recommends a movie, you know I've got to sit down and watch it! It's just the way I roll. Well, when I had the chance to see Lloyd speak a few months ago, he recommended highly the movie, Lollilove.



Lollilove is the first directorial effort by Jenna Fischer, who currently stars as Pam in the NBC sitcom, The Office. Her co-star is her real life husband, writer/director, James Gunn. The two play a spoiled, out of touch rich couple who have decided to start their own charity. They feel that if they give the homeless lollypops with inspirational slogans on them, that maybe the homeless will stop being homeless. This is a very interesting 'mock-umentary', poking fun at rich people is always a plus in my personal book, but poking fun at how completely clueless and self-involved some of these people are really made me laugh.

While, it's not keep you rolling on the floor laughable, like This Is Spinal Tap, Lollilove is very funny in it's own way. Jenna and James make a really good couple and they seem to share the same strange sense of humor, let's hope they're not another 'Hollywood couple' that decides that success is more important than their lives...there's too much of that now.



I give Lollilove three cigars, first for the great satire and second because every man I work with has a crush on Jenna, so this ones' for you guys! So, until next time, remember my personal philosophy that the stupid people who wander around us are proof that God has a sense of humor, why else would they be so damn funny? And, remember that the best movies are bad movies!!

Movin' On Up!

In the grand scheme of things, I'm a very small fish in a very large pond, and I don't fool myself into thinking that it's any other way. But, once in a while something happens and I think that maybe I've moved up the food chain, just a little bit.

That happened last week, I got a call from Duane, the editor of Rogue Cinema with an opportunity to interview Jon Voight. Now, ordinarily this wouldn't have been such a big deal, after all I do work at a radio station and have had the chance to meet celebrities over the years, but this was through our little magazine and his people contacted us!! That's right, that actually thought that Rogue Cinema was a good place to promote Jon Voights new movie, The Legend Of Simon Conjurer!

We got to spend about a half an hour taling to Mr. Voight who's very enthusiastic about this movie, so enthusiastic, in fact, that now I can't wait to see it! The whole interview will be in the July issue of Rogue Cinema so don't miss it! It's worth the price of admission...which remains at the low, low cost of zero!

Rogue Reviewers Awarded...I Think

The Rogue Reviewers, of which Bad Movie Guy is a proud member, was awarded the "coveted" Legion Of Muck Award! The group has worked hard on both their individual sites and the magazine, Rogue Cinema. My personal congrats to everyone in the group and here's hoping that we'll keep growing and getting better at those bad movies...unless that's one of those oxymorons!

To learn more about the Legion Of Muck Award head over to Bad Movies.org, another great b movie site! And, until next time, when I'll be putting my name in the hat for the coveted "Oskar", the award for most bologna on a web page, remember that the best movies are bad movies....AWARD WINNING bad movies!!!