Gigli

Everytime someone asks me about being the Bad Movie Guy, the same movie comes up over and over and over, Gigli. Have you seen it? What did you think of it? Is that what that scar is from? The same questions over and over. Well, the answer until a day ago was NO, I didn't see it, for two reasons, J-LO and B-Aff! Two of the most overrated "actors" in the business today, who the hell decided that this unholy combination would put butts into theatre seats?? I'm thinking that whoever green lighted this picture, is probably selling oranges by the freeway, even as I write this.

So, after holding out as long as I could, I cleared my mind and opened it, after all, people hated Ishtar and I didn't think it was all that bad, so maybe Gigli was the same, not as bad as people said it was. So, I grabbed my drink and my snack and popped that baby into the DVD player! What followed was two hours of, how can I say this? HELL!! The story here is what is supposed to be a love story. Ben Affleck plays a mafia hit man (Strike One!), who's not as tough as he thinks he is. When he's assigned to kidnap a mentally retarded boy who's the brother of a Federal prosecutor who's trying a mafia boss in New York. Well, since Ben isn't such a reliable hit man, the local boss hired Jennifer Lopez as a back up hit woman (Strike Two!!). Jennifer's job is to make sure that Ben doesn't screw up the job. The trouble comes when Ben makes a move on J-Lo, and is rebuffed because she's a lesbian (Strike Three!!! This Movie Is Outta There!!). The minute that J-Lo makes this revelation the movies turns into some kind of weird Kevin Smith movie. There's tons of what is supposed to be intelligent banter, a lot of shirt sleeve philosophy and so little sexual tension between the two stars that I felt as uncomfortable as Ben Affleck looked through most of the movie!

I found myself wondering how in the world the company got fifteen hours of movie on a single DVD! First, Ben Affleck as a hit man?? Who thought that one up? Probably Ben. As a Jersey sounding tough guy in Miami, Ben has all the credibiltiy that Keanu Reeves could bring to Hamlet, you can't make yourself suspend the disbelief! And then Jennifer Lopez as the lesbian hit woman who constantly spouting some half-assed philosophy made me wonder who wrote the script. First, no one could possibly believe that J-Lo is any deeper than the layer of concealer on her face and whoever wrote these rambling horrible lines, is like a Kevin Smith, only not as funny and probably a bit slow!

Gigli is that rarest of things, a vanity picture that we were all supposed to want to see because Ben and J-Lo were an item at the time, the problem that the producers over looked was that, apparently no one cared! And, now, after both stars have gone their seperate ways, this movie only serves two purposes, one to embarrass both stars when it's brought up in interviews, and two to annoy people like me. If you're looking for a funny, romantic movie, then look somewhere else! If you're looking for a torture device that I'm sure is being shown to prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, then Gigli is for you.



I give this movie a stubbed out half a cigar that's not only out, but has been floating in a public toilet for about a day and a half! And that's being generous, because after sitting and watching this thing for two hours, I felt like I was part of some bizarre scientific endurance test, the pain was incredible, but I was determined to get through it...and I did, but what the permanent damages are, have yet to be determined! So, until next time, when I'll once again throw myself in front of another oncoming video in order to save your sanity, remember that the best movies are bad movies!