I Think I Just About Got It!!!

Alrighty, for the most part the site is up and running. Starting soon, I'll begin a new review format, I'll be rating the movies that I see, on the scale of 1 to 4 cigars, depending on how "stinky" the movie is...get it? Cigars, stinky? Well, I thought it was funny and so I'm using it! Anyway, I just watched Return Of The Living Dead 4: Necropolis and Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave To The Grave, and I have to say that I was less than impressed. These are just the kind of zombie movies that give zombie movies a bad name!

Part 4 opens with Peter Coyote buying back the mystery government zombie making formula from the Russians. Why the Russians have it, we really don't know. When the zombie formula is brought back to this country, it's being used by an evil corporation to create zombies for medical testing and other experiments. The trouble comes when the company decides to kidnap a teenager right from under his friends noses to turn into a zombie. Well, as is the case in these movies, the teens decide to break into the government facility and get their friend back! Who ever knew that breaking into an experimental government facility could be so easy. Rest assured that we find our friend and we free him, but not before about ten thousand zombies are also freed, and your usual zombie movie massacre ensues. There are a couple of things wrong with this movie. First, within the first ten minutes of the movie we're introduced to the hero, Cody and his brother, who's called Pyro. Well, we see them we meet them both and then Pyro just disappears from the film, only to appear, as if by magic in the final reel of the movie from nowhere. Our gang of teens is crawling through the duct work looking for their friend and who's also in the duct work? You got it, Pyro! Where he came from, how he got there, no one knows, in fact, even though he's at home, he somehow beats the gang of teens to the facility and into the ducts! Then, after the zombies are freed and a SWAT team is let loose to kill them all and the facility is locked down, somehow Peter Coyote still manages to get a barrel of the zombie juice out of the building, into his truck and off the property in a bizarre set up for the lamer than thou sequel!

Speaking of the sequel, Part 5: Rave To The Grave is just as bad as you might expect from a title like that. First, we open with Peter Coyote selling his zombie juice back to the Russians. Why the Russians want it back when they've just sold it to him, I'm not really sure, but since this is the beginning of the movie, the inevitable accident happens and, you got it, zombies are once again loose! Only this time, they manage to get onto a college campus. While in the college lab, the kids decide that maybe we can use the zombie juice to get high. So, we begin distilling the zombie juice into tablets that we call 'Z'...you know like we call ecstasy 'E'? Get it? Yeah, I didn't think it was funny either. This whole movie isn't funny. There's the Rave, which I thought were a little dated at this point, then there's the two Russians who turn out to be Interpol agents, and when everyone who takes 'Z' begins to become a zombie it just gets dumber and dumber. And let's not mention the hitchhiking zombie who closes the movie! It's the dumbest set up for a sequel I think I've ever seen...and I've seen a ton of crappy movies in my life!

So, the bottom line is that if you feel curious about Return Of The Living Dead 4 or 5, just say No! These are not movies to be watched, they're movies to be set down and left alone! So until the next time when I'll explain why you should never take a drug that makes glow sticks seem interesting, remember that the best movies are bad movies!